


The Falling of Water in Three Parts

by notbeezy



Category: Atiny
Genre: ATEEZ - Freeform, Angst, Atiny - Freeform, Blowjobs, Cheating, Firework talk, Flower Talk, Fluff, Hongjoong, M/M, Minghwa, Mingi - Freeform, Multi, PTSD, San - Freeform, Smut, bff, sangi - Freeform, seonghwa, seongjoong, seongsang, thigh kink
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-16
Updated: 2020-10-25
Packaged: 2021-02-27 19:02:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 26,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22760665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notbeezy/pseuds/notbeezy
Summary: Seonghwa is stuck up stream, fighting the current.But like all things subject to gravity, he will fall.Whether that's into the arms of his ex, Mingi, or back into his everyday life with his fiance, Hongjoong.A story of how waterfalls are formed.orSeonghwa looses his memory due to accident and cant remember anything besides his life with Mingi. However, the couple has been broken up for years now and he’s engaged to Hongjoong.A story of a heart caught between the past and the future.
Relationships: Park Seonghwa/Song Mingi, Parl Seonghwa/Kim Hongjoong
Comments: 67
Kudos: 160





	1. The Crumbling of Rocks

**Author's Note:**

> i listen to 'i couldnt be more in love' 'death by a thousand cuts' and 'fallingwater' on repeat while writing this. so if that doesnt tell you the tone for whats to come..
> 
> just a heads up, there is mention of a car accident but i never go into detail about it. same with the feelings of ptsd. just be careful when reading it, you never know what can trigger you.

No one ever talks about how cold you are when you’re fading in and out of consciousness.

Seonghwa is freezing.

The lights are flashing like strobes as he’s rushed down each hall and the doctors talk to him as if he has any idea as to what they’re saying.

Why doesn’t Seonghwa know what they’re saying?

He only hears a high pitched ringing, their voices sounding like they’re underwater. Or maybe he was the one underwater (unlikely). His clothes felt heavy and stuck to him.

But they weren’t. They were ripped to shreds.

What he felt were garny straps holding him in place.

They say when your body goes through extreme trauma, it will produce enough adrenaline to mask the pain you’re in. That or it'll knock you right out.

“You’re lucky you’re actually alive.”

“I feel like I’m dying.”

None of them look at Seonghwa.

Had he even said it out loud?

It felt like he fell asleep.

Just like everyone always says it would.

But not quick and not so easy.

Waking back up, well..

When Seonghwa came to again, there’s someone pumping air into him, like on the tv shows he used to watch. The doctor welcomes him back. Defibrillator being handed off to some nurse. Chest tightening, he couldn’t catch his breath. Like he had come out of the water from earlier.

“What’s your name, son?”

“Park Seonghwa.”

Seonghwa’s eyes darted around, vision hazy as ever, at the face’s trying to find the one matching that voice.

Mingi?

“Please, sir, he's got to tell me himself.”

How can he say anything with this thing over his mouth? He looks around, feeling his eyes roll shut on their own.

Everyone’s covered in blood.

“Is he okay?”

Not Mingi.

“Back up, please. You won’t want to see any of this anyways.”

He’s still freezing.

He’s so tired.

── ⊱ ──────

The room is bright.

Too bright.

Seonghwa’s eyes close just as quickly as they opened. His throat is on fire and he aches absolutely  _ everywhere _ .

“Seonghwa?”

He doesn’t recognise the voice saying his name.

Seonghwa’s eyes flutter open, trying to adjust both to the brightness and the blurry face.

He does not know this man.

“Can you hear me?”

Seonghwa nods. Though it hurts him to do so. But he does not wish to speak to the stranger.

He wonders why on Earth this guy felt he needed to slit an x into his eyebrow.

“Are you thirsty? Here.”

He hurried to pour him a cup of water, bringing it to his lips with a bendy straw.

“Slowly, it’s really cold.”

It’s hard to listen. Seonghwa wants to wash out the sour taste in his mouth and moisten his chapped lips. He feels like he hasn’t anything to drink in months. But the guy would carefully pull the straw away when he’d gulp too quickly.

“Let me find your doctor okay? I’ll be right back, baby.”

Baby?

── ⊱ ──────

Segonghwa’s embarrassed to have a young nurse (probably in school still, doing her clinicals) looking over his back side, checking his road rash. Being in just this stupid hospital gown was mortifying. Even if it was her job and has seen (will see) more asses than he ever can imagine. She starts to apply some antibiotic ointment. It’s soothing, her touch and the way it calms his skin.

“Excuse me?”   
She pauses her movement.

“Did I put too much pressure?”   
“No, uh.. There was a man here earlier, weird eyebrow slits. Is he still around?”

She covers his back side, helping him gently readjust onto his back again. Her hands are warm. Most nurses are cold like the rooms they float in and out of.

“Your fiance? He actually had to step out for work. You fell back asleep before he could tell you where he was going. He said he shouldn’t be long though.”

Seonghwa’s heart monitor told on him a second before his facial expression did. How his heart raced at that one particular word.

“ I don’t have a fiance.”

── ⊱ ──────

Seonghwa hears the door click and his heart monitor is snitching on him again.

Cherry red hair comes into sight and for just a split second, he doesn’t recognise Mingi.

“When did you dye your hair?”

He looks unamused by Seonghwa’s judgy eyes. But like always, he cracks within seconds.

Mingi pulled a seat to his bed side and held his hand gentle as ever. It’s in a cast. Seonghwa refuses to really take a look at himself. But the way Mingi doesn’t hesitate to run his thumb over Seonghwa’s eased his nerves.

“What happened?”

“I don’t.. I don’t really remember.”

“That’s okay, the nurse said you’re having some trouble remembering things. Even when you last ate or saw her.”

Seonghwa winces as he tries to sit up. Mingi places a soft hand on his chest and grabs the bed control, sitting him up.

“Thank you, my darling boy.”

“Seonghwa..”

Seonghwa smiles fondly at him, raising his (good) hand to cup his face. Mingi looks worried and who could blame him? If it was him on this bed, Seonghwa would be in shambles.

“What do you remember?”

Mingi asks, leaning into his touch and Seonghwa feels himself relax for the first time in hours.

“I remember driving.. And, um..”

He can hear the tires screech all over again. Can feel the tumble of the car.

Seonghwa closes his eyes, heavy tears falling without his permission and Mingi kisses the palm of his hand.

“Don’t think about it. We can figure it out later.”

“They called some guy my fiance.. What the  _ fuck  _ is happening?”

“Seonghwa..”

“Stop saying my name like you’re about to tell me our dog died.”

Mingi backs away from Seonghwa’s touch and that hurts more than whatever is happening under the bandages on his ribcage.

“You  _ are _ engaged.”

The door clicks open and the eyebrow guy is back. Face annoyed when his eyes land on Mingi.

“They said they called you but, I didn’t think you’d actually show up.”

“Fucks sake Hongjoong, not now please.”

“Yes because everything is always on your time. Isn’t it?”

Seonghwa doesn’t like the way Hongjoong is talking to Mingi, but his mouth won’t open to stop his harsh words.

“I’ll give you two a moment.”

“Just go home.”

Mingi folds his arms,

“He obviously wants me here. I’m not leaving until he asks me to or remembers something involving you.”

They glare at each other and Seonghwa feels a pain behind his eye.

He slams his cast into his eye, forgetting he had it on. The pain becoming worse.

Seonghwa groans loudly. Mingi gets up but Hongjoong is already gently holding his head, trying to look at his eye,

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m sorry. I forgot about this thing and it just hurt so bad, I’m sorry-”

“Don’t be sorry baby, it’s okay. Let me see? Try to open your eye.”

Seonghwa opens them but it stings. Hongjoong holds his chin with one finger,

“I’ll get the nurse, maybe you got something caught in your eye.”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t trouble your mind with being sorry, you didn’t mean to.”

Hongjoong speed walks out the door.

“Give me a quick run down of who he is.”

Mingi sighs.

“Kim Hongjoong. You two have been dating for like eight months. Erm.. You both interned together before getting into the company you work at. I really don’t know much about you two. We haven’t talked in, like, over two years, Seonghwa.”

That high pitched ringing is back just for a moment.

“We what?”

Mingi stares at Seonghwa while he has his internal meltdown.

He can’t remember.

Why can’t he fucking remember?

Hongjoong walks back in and the nurse has a few things with her. Hongjoong not so subtly shoulders Mingi out of his way. Seonghwa is being tilted onto his side so the nurse can flush his eye.

“You’re shaking. Are you cold?”

Seonghwa looks at the nurse with all the confusion he’s feeling wrinkled across his forehead and shakes his head no once he processes that she was talking to him.

“You need to rest. This is your first real day being awake. I’ll see what you can eat and get something good in that tummy of yours.”

Her voice is tender and it settles Seonghwa. Almost like his mother was talking to him. She smoothes out his gown and fluffs his pillow, smiling kindly the whole time. She looks between the other two,

“ _ Don’t _ push him. He has gone through a lot. Too much can overwhelm him and he’s still in a fragile state.”

They nod and give hushed apologies.

The door clicks shut and the silence is deafening.

“Look, I’m sorry but I don’t want Mingi to leave. I want him here as often as he can be.”

Hongjoong rolls his eyes and flicks his eyebrows at the statement. Seonghwa doesn’t know why but he wants to whack him with his cast.

This must be something Hongjoong does that annoys Seonghwa.

Understandable.

“Seonghwa, I can’t just show up. I have a life. I live far from here-”

“He said as  _ often  _ as you can be. Not  _ every  _ hour of every  _ day _ .”

“I’m not going to promise him anything-”

“Typical. He almost DIED,  _ twice  _ in one day if you don’t recall. And yet, here you are! All the world doesn’t revolve around anyone but me.”

“The world doesn’t revolve around me, but it also doesn’t revolve around him.”

That hurts Seonghwa.

He can’t force the last two years of his life to the forefront of his brain.

Mingi was all he knew.

All he wanted.

Mingi turns to him, sympathetic eyes and lips pressed into a flat line that Seonghwa supposed was a smile.

He’s never shown him this one before.

“Piece things together best you can. I’ll be around in a few days.”

“Please.. Come back as soon as you can.”

Seonghwa hates how desperate and small his tone is. He’s never like this with Mingi.

── ⊱ ──────

Hongjoong is asleep in a chair and Seonghwa is looking over his features. Hoping that lying somewhere hidden in his eyelashes were his memories playing hide and seek. Ready to be caught and run wild through his mind.

But they aren’t.

The doctor comes in and wakes Hongjoong. Mumbling about how he might remember better than Seonghwa. Which annoys him because it’s been days. He’s retained information well enough.

Hongjoong was his fiance (apparently).

They trusted his sound mind more.

The door clicks open and Seonghwa’s eyes are hopeful.

“Sorry, am I interrupting?”

Mingi’s cherry red hair coming into view.

“No, come.”

Seonghwa pats the bed. Mingi leans against the wall, looking at Hongjoong before mouthing a silent sorry to Seonghwa.

The doctor tells them Seonghwa is healing just fine. He needed to stay home for a few more weeks and come back every three to cheek on broken his ulha and the two ribs he cracked.

But his brain was fine. No swelling or fracture to the skull.

Ha.

The doctor assures him his memory will come back soon and that being around his normal day to day life will trigger that.

Hongjoong shifts his weight from foot to foot.

“You still can’t remember anything.. about us?”

Seonghwa bites his bottom lip.

“It’s okay, please don’t trouble yourself with feeling bad.”

“We live together, I assume.”

Hongjoong’s smile is fond and soft with tender feelings that Seonghwa couldn’t imagine sharing with him.

Not when Mingi was standing behind him.

“Yes. Mingi can come, if he has time.”

There’s annoyance in his tone and but Mingi hasn’t taken his eyes off Seonghwa. He feels tiny under his gaze.

“I’ll go. Not for long, but I know it’ll help.”

Seonghwa smiles at him, even though it’s not returned.

“Thank you.”

  
  


Hongjoong tiddys up best he can while Seonghwa sits at the edge of the hospital bed.

Mingi hasn’t left the wall since he showed up.

“Help me?”

Seonghwa asks, almost in a whisper. Mostly because he didn’t want Hongjoong to hear. But from the way his movements stutter, he did anyways.

Though Seonghwa is grateful he pretends not to.

Mingi walks over, placing Seonghwa’s hands on his shoulder.

“I’ll lift. You just worry about standing, okay?”

“Mhm.”

Mingi gently pulls Seonghwa up from his armpits and he giggles a little. Mingi tried not to smile.

“I forgot, I’m sorry.”

Seonghwa steadies himself and clears his throat. They stay close like that for a few moments, Seonghwa trying to savour the feeling.

It felt so good to be this close to him again.

It felt like it had been years.

Then again, it literally had been.

── ⊱ ──────

The town house is cute. It’s got a modern edge to it with a different accent colour in every room.

Which makes Seonghwa happy.

Maybe that was his idea.

Mingi helps Seonghwa up the stairs. Hongjoong is already in their room, clearing away anything that might be an obstacle for them.

“Hard to imagine living in a place so tiddy. You are usually a messy one.”

Seonghwa says, tilting his head at Mingi. Who rolls his eyes and Hongjoong scrunches his nose.

“You always get on me about keeping the house clean, actually. I’m far from being mess free.”

Seonghwa sits on the bed slowly and takes in the smell of the camellia flowers in the dresser.

“You cleaned up for me?”

“I did. I know how much a clean space helps ease your nerves. And if you have to be confined to the house for a bit, it should be nearly perfect.”

This makes him feel extremely happy. The happiest Hongjoong has ever made him, from what he can recall (which isn’t much).

Mingi always told him he’d do ‘xyz’ later.

Then never did.

Mingi has been standing awkwardly in the doorway.

“I’m a little hungry.”

Seonghwa admits, holding his stomach.

“I have some leftovers from the barbecue place you love. I’ll reheat them and bring them up.”

Hongjoong leans towards him but quickly pulls himself back.

Seonghwa is thankful.

Even a forehead kiss didn't feel right.

Not with Mingi standing right there.

“I trust you to help him change.”

Hongjoong was tiny.

A firecracker.

Mingi was massive.

A gentle giant.

Mingi looks at the dresser and opens the third drawer on the right. Pulling out some house clothes.

“You don’t change.”

Seonghwa can hear the smile in Mingi’s voice. Though it’s gone when he turns to face him.

Seonghwa doesn’t feel shy with Mingi carefully peeling his clothes off.

What makes him uneasy is the face Mingi made when he saw all the bruises covering his torso. The scabs from the road rash. He couldn’t tell if he was disgusted or if he was pitying him.

Seonghwa didn’t like either option.

“Thank you. I know it’s awkward to be here but..”

Mingi’s cheeks are dust the same kinda pink sweet pea’s are as he pulls up his bottoms and Seonghwa just wants to kiss his nose. Tell him that it wasn’t a big deal.

Then again, after all this time, maybe it was.

“I want you to get better so we can go back to ignoring each other. I just don’t want you to be further traumatised by being alone with a temporary stranger.”

Mingi helps him sit back against the headboard, giving him the proper cushion he needed.

“He’s not a stranger, I shouldn't say that.. You’re quiet in love with him.”

“I thought you didn’t know much about us?”

Seonghwa smirks at Mingi.

“I’m  _ guessing _ what your feelings are.”

“I’m head over heels in love with  _ you _ .”

“You were.”

Seonghwa hears the microwave beep and fusses with sheet.

“What happened between us?”

“We just weren’t a good match.”

“It’s been four years. Impossible-”

“It  _ was _ four years. And nothing is impossible. People fall out of love after much longer than that.”

“Why would I agree to marry someone after just  _ eight months _ ?”

Mingi lets out a sarcastic laugh and sighs heavily. He closes his eyes, tilting his head back.

His nostrils do that little twitch thing they do when he’s going to cry.

“Exactly.”

── ⊱ ──────

Hongjoong sits beside Seonghwa, leaving space between them.

Mingi hasn’t been around for days. Which Seonghwa knows he shouldn’t be upset about. Mingi said he wouldn’t be around often.

So it’s just been these two awkwardly tip toeing around each other.

“Yeosang is coming by later. Do you remember him?”

Seonghwa is quiet.

“That’s okay, baby.”

Hongjoong pats his thigh reassuringly, carefully reading over something on his laptop screen.

“He is one of our best friends. He travels for work and has been so upset he couldn’t be here sooner. I told him not to trouble himself with such thoughts. It’s not like he knew this would happen.”

Hongjoong looks over from his laptop.

“Do you remember what we do for work?”

“No. I remember going to school for software engineering.”

“And you graduated in the top twenty percent. You were a little disappointed you didn’t do better. BUT! We’re software developers. I like to call myself a coder because it sounds cooler. You stick with the traditional label because you say people will take you more seriously.”

“Can you blame me? Coder sounds like some-”

“Juvenile video gamer term. I know.”

They giggle. This is the first moment Seonghwa doesn’t feel so tense around him.

“We can work from home, which is why we both wanted to apply for this company. It was nice to know we could travel or just lounge around while still working.”

“Do we? Travel, I mean.”

“Mhm, we took a trip to Grease not long ago and you wanted to toss your laptop into the ocean because you couldn’t bypass this one firewall in order to recode the program and we missed the sightseeing tour bus.”

Seonghwa smiles at the memory he can’t recall. Which makes him sad because Grease must’ve been stunning. He wants everything to come back already.

“Tell me about Yeosang.”

“A shithead. But also really sweet.”

“So a sour patch kid?”

Hongjoong snickers.

“ _ Please _ call him that.”

“I get the feeling I shouldn’t.”

He glances at him before continuing to type, evil smile plastered across his face. Seonghwa enjoys the quiet between them more now.

“Let’s see, Kang Yeosang. Joined in our last few months of interning. Works for a different company than us but we still see him most weekends when he’s in town. Your best man for the wedding. Has a girlfriend that we pretend to like even though she is  _ really  _ annoying and we very secretly can’t wait for them to break up. He can do so much better but we don’t push the topic anymore. Yeosangie can be a tad bit sensitive.”

“Are we mean to her?”

“Eh, just a little. She did once tell you that your mother’s kimbap recipe was bland- it’s not, though I’m sure you remember that.”

“Never mind, I like that we’re mean to her.”

Hongjoong laughs and reaches over to gently run his fingers through Seonghwa’s hair. He likes Hongjoong’s laugh.

“Yeosang is closer with you than me. I don’t mind, he really helped you open up about a lot of things.”

“Like what?”

“Like things with your brother. You told him you were scared of heights before me. And he really helped you talk about things with Mingi.”

Seonghwa looks over and Hongjoong’s ears are red.

He doesn’t look up from his laptop.

They allow the sound of the keys clicking to fill the room.

Seonghwa not wanting to ask the question.

Not wanting Hongjoong’s regurgitated bias version of his pain.

Finally, he sucks in a deep breath.

“I never understood why you wouldn’t open up to me about Mingi. But I guess no one wants to talk about their ex, especially when it’s painful.”

“Did.. did Mingi hurt me?”

Hongjoong closes his laptop, setting it on the bedside table.

“Quite the contrary my love.  _ You _ broke  _ his _ heart.”

── ⊱ ──────

Yeosang was in fact a sour patch kid. But Seonghwa could see how they were so close.

The way he laughed sarcastically at Hongjoong and then looked at him. Waiting for him to join in, upset Seonghwa just a tiny bit.

His giggles being fake instead of real.

But it makes Yeosang smile so happily.

“You really can’t remember us? Or anything besides back with  _ him _ ?”

Seonghwa shakes his head no, ignoring the tone used when referring to Mingi. Small pout forming on Yeosang’s face.

“Here’s a memory!”

Hongjoong taps the counter,

“Once Yeosang spilled coffee over the suede couch just minutes after the movers brought it in. Mind you, little one over there is already restricted from eating anywhere that’s not the table. But you said, “No JooJoo! Let's all sit on it for the first time together.” ”

The nickname Seonghwa has for Hongjoong (apparently) doesn’t feel foregin to him when it rolls off Hongjoong’s tongue. It’s sweet and just  _ knows _ it’s a name for him to call out only.

Yeosang cover’s his face and nods, laughter bubbling up.

“God not  _ that _ one! You were so mad at me, Mars. I was banned from wine night for like three weeks.”

“Wine night?”

Yeosang nods excitedly,

“We each take turns picking out wine and some snacks. Once a week we sit on the back patio and play a movie on projector and pretend to be rich wine wives who are waiting for the poison to kick in and kill their unsuspecting husbands.”

Hongjoong sits next to Yeosang and once again, Seonghwa is grateful for the space he’s giving him.

“It was something you and I did during our last year of interning. We just added Yeosang to the mix.”

Hongjoong holds his head in his hand and Seonghwa thinks his tininess is  _ so cute _ . It must be one of his favourite things about him because he has caught himself feeling fond over it from time to time.

“Also please don’t kill me. We aren’t rich just yet and it would be a waste of your perfect crime.”

“Like he’d ever kill you.”

Yeosang says with such a matter of fact tone that seems to hurt Hongjoong.

Seonghwa wouldn’t kill him, rich or poor.

There’s a knock and Hongjoong doesn’t move at first.

“That’s probably Mingi.”

“What!?”

Hongjoong sighs, not looking at Yeosang.

“Seonghwa needs a familiar face right now. It’ll do him some good to relax with company he remembers.”

Yeosang has this cute, mochi softness to his features. Him glaring and getting huffy doesn’t scare Seonghwa but then again, he couldn’t recall just how fearful of his wrath he should be.

Mingi walks into the room full of hesitation and awkwardness.

“Hi, I didn’t know you were coming!”

Seonghwa carefully slides himself off the bar stool, Yeosang watching him with his hands out just in case. He walks over and all he wants to do is throw his arms around his darling boy.

But he’s not his anymore.

So he doesn’t.

Mingi smoothes back Seonghwa’s hair and smiles genuinely at him. Glancing at the pink and yellow bruises on his cheek bone.

“You seem better.”

“Hongjoong has been taking really good care of me.”

Seonghwa glances at him, he’s beaming at the compliment.

Mingi lifts his hand towards Yeosang for a weird wave.

“I’m Mingi.”

“I’m aware of who you are. Can’t say it’s a pleasure.”

Mingi takes in a deep breath and Seonghwa leans into his space,

“That’s Yeosang, human sour patch kid.”

── ⊱ ──────

Hongjoong picks a movie that, surprise, Seonghwa doesn’t recall ever watching but is told he loves it.

“You’ll fall in love with it all over again.”

Mingi sits on the end of the couch. Seonghwa sits close, maybe too close. Just enough to have their thighs  _ barely _ touch. Hongjoong doesn’t sit as close. Yeosang has bundled himself into a burrito on a chair separate from them.

And Hongjoong was right. He loved this movie.

He loved everything from the cinematography to the puns and down to the soundtrack. Even the font the credits were written in.

Mingi laughing and seeming to be engaged as well made it that much better. Hongjoong fell asleep once even though the movie wasn’t boring. Yeosang said he usually does. Which makes Seonghwa feel a little better. He’d hate to think he bored Hongjoong.

Mingi even let Seonghwa rest his head on his shoulder a few times.

Seonghwa’s hands were itching to grab Mingi’s. Lace their fingers and feel anchored just like before.

Before doesn’t matter to Mingi anymore, apparently.

And it was all Seonghwa’s fault.

── ⊱ ──────

Seonghwa listens to Hongjoong talk on a conference call for work. He’s brilliant. There wasn’t a question he couldn’t answer or a topic he couldn’t elaborate on. Seonghwa makes a mental note of his fake laugh. It makes him giggle. Hongjoong seemed so polite.

Seonghwa tiptoes past the office and down the stairs. Into the kitchen where he stands in hopes that something will come to him. He stares at the cabinets, hands on his hips and thinks.

“I’m not the  _ best _ cook but I suppose he knows that.”

Seonghwa mumbles to himself. He takes his time going through cabinets to find the pans he would need. Opening the fridge and pulling out some veggies, beef that made his mouth water, and then went on the hunt for some spices. He still doesn’t remember what Hongjoong would like to eat so he sighs, putting all the vegetables, except the onions, away.

Washing his hands was therapeutic.

He always did this in twos. Once to clean the dirt off him and once more to clear his thoughts. Watching the suds building between his fingers, the warm water in his hands. Mostly the feeling of being clean. He could function knowing his hands were clean.

Chopping things for what he was cooking was also soothing for him. It was repetitive and something he didn’t have to think about. Just keep making small pieces from the one large piece.

There was always so much on his mind. Even now, when there seemed to be  _ nothing _ but the past. Seonghwa felt like he was slamming himself against a wall.

_ Chop. _

No spicy.

_ Chop. _

Not too much sesame.

_ Chop. _

Rice not noodles.

_ Chop. _

“Wait..”

Seonghwa was actually remembering something.

“Are you cooking? Thank god, I am STARVING!”

Hongjoong says as he slumps down at the island. The kitchen was small but Seonghwa supposes that with just them, it was enough.

“Yeah just some beef and rice, nothing crazy.”

He smiles to himself. Happy to have gotten back enough to be useful.

“I like your beef and rice, so thank you.”

Seonghwa feels.. good. Appreciated.

“You’ve been working so hard and I’ve been, well, doing nothing. So this is the least I can do.”

“We both work hard. We both take care of each other. Don’t trouble yourself with unfair thoughts.”

Seonghwa is careful not to get burned by the oil.

“I know you’re not used to that, considering how Mingi is- was. But, it’s different with us.”

Seonghwa peeks over his shoulder. He seems to have vented a lot more than Hongjoong has told him.

“How’d the conference go?”

It's quiet. Seonghwa doesn’t know if Hongjoong heard him over the noise of the oil sizzling or if he’s on his phone. He doesn’t want to turn around to find out.

“You know, we  _ talk _ about things. Everything. Troublesome thoughts or happy feelings. Boring days at work or whatever we’re reading before bed. There’s conflict between us but it doesn’t last. If what I said, or say rather, bothers you then please say so.”

Seonghwa chops up some green onions to top everything off.

“It doesn’t bother me. Not the way you think it does. I just..”

He places the knife down carefully and looks at the cabinets. Trying to remember where he saw the plates.

“I want to remember. I want to forget how much I love Mingi and get back to being happy with you. It’s frustrating.. Mainly because I feel stupid.”

“You’re far from that.”

“But it’s still what I feel! I feel like a dog that’s waiting for an owner to come back for it, but they never do and while the new owner is nice, they aren’t who they want. Which is  _ awful _ because you’re my fiancé for fucks sake.”

He reaches towards a cabinet but Hongjoong opens the one next to it. Pulling out two plates, handing them to Seonghwa with a soft smile.

“I’ll try to lay off.”

He holds out his tiny pinky. Seonghwa smiles and links his.

── ⊱ ──────

Seonghwa is carefully glueing (with lash glue) little jewels in Hongjoong’s eyebrow slits.

“Can’t believe you did this to your eyebrow.”

“It was  _ your _ idea.”

“Was I drunk?”

Hongjoong cups his face, eyes squeezing shut as he laughs loudly. It echoes through the room and down the hall. Seonghwa is so fond in this moment.

“No! I was looking for something to change and you gave the suggestion.”

“Well, I’m making you  _ cute _ now.”

“I’m already cute. So you’re just making me cuter.”

Seonghwa smiles, he knows he’s blushing from the way Hongjoong giggles.

“Perhaps I’m inclined to agree.”

“Perhaps that makes me really happy.”

And perhaps knowing that he’s making Hongjoong happy makes Seonghwa  _ really _ happy.

What a sap.

Seonghwa looks over his work, holding Hongjoong’s chin. He notices the way he’s looking at his lips.

“Just ask.”

“I don’t want to push.”

“Maybe I’ll say yes.”

Seonghwa smirks at the way his breath hitches.

“Can I kiss you?”

“Please do.”

Seonghwa feels butterflies whirl around inside him he thought were in a coma with his memory when Hongjoong closed the space between them. The way he shut his eyes when their lips made contact, as if Hongjoong had finally gotten a drink of water after months in a desert.

Maybe this was just that.

Hongjoong’s tiny fist balling Seonghwa’s shirt as he pulls back. Seonghwa surprises himself when he leans forward to keep kissing Hongjoong, who giggles at the action.

“I’m  _ so _ greedy when it comes to you but I just, dunno, for now anyways-”

Seonghwa cuts him off with a quick stolen kiss. Hongjoong traces his bottom lip with his finger. Foreheads touching.

“We should take it slow. I don’t want you to regret anything, okay?”

“Okay.”

Hongjoong takes a selfie and snuggles into Seonghwa’s side. He doesn’t mind the closeness right now. Seonghwa actually wants it.

**Mango:**

Did you know there’s an actual website where you can study herbology from Harry Potter?

**Toothless:**

And the link wasn’t attached because ???

Hongjoong scoots away from him. He doesn’t normally read over Seonghwa’s shoulder. Which makes him a little nervous. Because Mingi hasn’t been one to text him first (at all lately). He didn’t want to pass up this moment of conversation.

Mingi sends him the link with a heart emoji and at Seonghwa’s ripe age of twenty six, it shouldn’t give him butterflies the way it does. He clicks the link, creates a profile, and dives into the fictional library to pick up his books for his herbology course.

Seonghwa links his arm with Hongjoong and leans on his shoulder. Reading in silence. Hoping this was enough for him for the time being. Hongjoong lays his head on Seonghwa’s.

For now, it has to be.

── ⊱ ──────

**Mango:**

Listen, all I’m saying is that koalas have all the criteria to be bears and the AREN’T

**Toothless:**

Maybe..

It’s because..

**Mango:**

Jfc don’t you dare

**Toothless:**

They don’t have the right KOALAfications

(＾▽＾)

Laugh that was funny !!

OH COME ON !!

**Mango:**

I haven’t missed your dad jokes. That, however, was really funny.

Seonghwa tried to hide his giggles while driving the doctors to with Hongjoong. Maybe he’ll tell Hongjoong later so he doesn’t know he told Mingi first.

Que panic.

What if he’s already told Hongjoong and he doesn’t find it funny?

Cancel panic.

Seonghwa can’t remember shit. Hongjoong is obligated to laugh at  _ all  _ his jokes AGAIN.

  
  


Seonghwa notices the wedding band on Hongjoong’s finger as he’s driving.

“Where’s mine?”

He asks with his fingers stretched out from his cast. Seonghwa feels a little silly asking now.

“Your fingers were swollen so they cut it off.”

Hongjoong pull’s Seonghwa’s hand to his mouth, soft kisses on each fingertip. They stir up those butterflies again.

“I can have it remade whenever you’re ready. And when this comes off.”

He knocks on Seonghwa’s cast.

“Did we agree to have tin dainty rings?”

Hongjoong smiles as he hums at the question.

“We picked out these bands that connect into a normal size one, I guess. You really liked the idea of a simple silver band but I really wanted you to have something as pretty as you.”

“So what connects to our band?”

“Mine has your birthstone all around and yours has mine.”

Seonghwa bites his lower lip, sadness washing over his skin as he craves his memory with every turn of the wheels.

“How did you propose?”

Hongjoong’s smile spreads as easily as butter on warm toast.

“We took a few trains to Juknokwon. You always wanted to go, talked so much about it. So we worked out our schedules and went. I was a nervous wreck. You thought it was from taking this trip so early into our work career. Which was perfect, I don’t think I could’ve gone the whole trip through without cracking.”

They laugh softly. Seonghwa wants to remember  _ so bad _ .

“It was the second day down there. Finally found the waterfall, I knew how much you wanted to see that in particular. It was mesmerising.”

They stop at a light. Hongjoong’s thoughts seem to be running like the engine. He let's Seonghwa twist his ring around while he talks and they wait for the light to change.

“Um, you were letting me take photos of you. God, you were so precious. You were all sweaty and red and full of excitement and just.. perfect. Anyways, I set the phone to record and said it was a timed photo. We posed and after I kneeled, gave this long sappy speech. I’m not good with words. I had to write the whole thing out and practice it for, I don’t know, I think two or three weeks. You cut me off a third of the way through it to say yes but-”

They both crack up because  _ of course _ Seonghwa did. The pair settles as the car pulls off again. Those butterflies landing peacefully again.

“BUT! Damn it, I literally rehearsed that build up! I was going to say the whole thing.”

“Did I cry?”

“Briefly.”

Sounds about right.

“Thankfully we were alone in that moment. You know how homophobic people can be.”

“Mm.”

Seonghwa let's Hongjoong hold his thigh. It felt right. He wanted to contact.

“It was the second best moment of my life.”

“What’s the first?”

Hongjoong smirks,

“When you say ’I do’ at the altar.”

Seonghwa smiles, biting his bottom lip.

To think someone could love him this much.

To think he could love someone more than Mingi.

── ⊱ ──────

Seonghwa and Mingi are playing Destiny 2 together online via PlayStation. He can’t really remember how to play but Mingi is patient with him. Which Seonghwa may or may not be milking.

“I think it’s hard with the cast.”

He tells Seonghwa reassuringly.

“I just don’t think I’m good at this game.”

“Don’t tell me you forgot that  _ you _ were the gamer when we were together.”

Seonghwa can hear the smirk in his voice.

“Is it hard to believe you’re actually better at something?”

“Honestly, yes.”

They laugh softly.

“It’d be easier if you were here.”

“Maybe.”

“So.. Maybe come over?”

It's quiet but he’s hopeful.

Seonghwa’s downfall, putting all his eggs in the basket Mingi is holding.

“You really think that’s a good idea?”

“Why wouldn’t I?”

Hongjong walks in with a huff, tossing his work bag on the floor and recklessly kicking his shoes off. Seonghwa frowns but it goes unnoticed.

“What a day! Felt so endless. Think I’m starting to hate numbers.”

“Still think I should come over?”

“Mm, there’s no point in being sneaky.”

“Maybe I like sneaky.”

Seonghwa, smiles. Biting his lower lip as Hongjoong plops next to him.

“I like this game! Have you got the hang of it?”

“Not quite.”

“I can help you!”

“Bye, Seonghwa.”

“Bye.”

Hongjoong has wide apologetic eyes. Seonghwa shakes his head as he takes off his headset.

“It was just Mingi.”

“Oh.”

Seonghwa takes off his headset, puts the controller aside and turns to face him. Head in his hand and a smile that does not belong to Hongjoong, but he wouldn’t (couldn't) admit that out loud.

“Tell me about this endless day before getting back to the game.”

── ⊱ ──────

Mingi and Seonghwa stay up late texting. It’s stupid really. The way he’s trying to reinsert himself into Mingi’s life after all this time.

Hongjoong is clung to his side which made the whole sneaky (not sneaky, Hongjoong  _ knew _ it was Mingi) texting difficult tonight.

**Mango:**

You really should be sleeping.

**Toothless:**

As should you, yet here we are!

**Mango:**

I’m trying but this boy won’t stop blowing up my phone.

**Toothless:**

Oh please, I’m not even double texting today (๑•̀ -•́๑)✧

**Mango:**

Yikes, I was actually talking about someone else.

**Toothless:**

Yikes indeed.. Sorry I don’t mean to make things about me. I know you have a life.

**Mango:**

Don't take that personal. I wasn’t being a jerk when I said it!

**Toothless:**

None taken! I suppose I should leave you be. Plus the light is bothering JooJoo.

**Mango:**

Sweet dreams, angel.

**Toothless:**

Goodnight, darling boy.

Hongjoong snuggles closer to him, breath tickling his neck.

Seonghwa feels yucky suddenly. He already knows he’s being a hopeful idiot but calling Mingi his old pet name when he was with someone else sent him into a dark place.

Maybe he should take a break from pushing the keep Mingi around agenda and force on his  _ fiance _ for fucks sake.

── ⊱ ──────

Eight weeks have passed which meant, he could be free of this stupid cast!

Seonghwa was excited for today.

He gets his cast off, he was allowed to leave the house finally, and most of all (best of all) he was with Mingi. They hadn’t seen each other in person since the movie night.

Seonghwa was keeping his unspoken promise about putting space between him and Mingi without it being obvious. Afraid of the tug and pull scaring him off.

Hongjoong had to actually go into work today. Which Seonghwa was the tiniest bit of sad about. He was getting used to Hongjoong being around (again). But he needed to train someone.

Hongjoong kissed his forehead before leaving.

It was quick and seemed like a routine thing for him to do.

Hongjoong holding the back of his head, pulling him down while on his tippy toes was indeed the cutest thing Seonghwa had seen in quite some time.

But it didn’t disrupt those butterflies.

And Seonghwa wonders, if like with the movie from all those weeks ago, he would fall in love with Hongjoong again?

  
  
  


All of the excitement has left Seonghwa’s body when he sees the saw being placed in front of him.

“We take casts off all the time. This is cake work for us.”

“Baking is hard.”

Mingi’s loud laugh fills the room and the doctor can’t help but let out a small laugh as well.

“Promise I will not cut you.”

Seonghwa nods but turns to Mingi, making grabby hands at him with a huge pouting lip. Mingi walks over, allowing him to hide away in his side. He runs his fingers through Seonghwa’s hair.

“Unlike you, an untrained pastry chef, he’s a doctor. And has been for..?”

“Ten years.”

The sound of the saw makes Seonghwa jump. It triggers fear inside him. This sound isn’t something he heard during the crash but it’s unsettlingly close. He can feel his chest tightening and his body getting hot.

“Ten years! I’m sure he’s never cut anyone more than twice.”

Seonghwa whines and Mingi giggles.

Every bump from the saw against the cloth inside the cast makes Seonghwa’s heart pound against his ribcage so harshly, he fears it’ll break them this time. It’s almost like the tumbling of the car.

Once the doctor stops to turn his arm, Seonghwa yanks Mingi down and hides away in his neck.

Mingi is stiff. But Seonghwa can feel his tears welling.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.”

He doesn’t move when the cast is pulled off. Seonghwa just silently cries in Mingi’s neck. He smoothed down his hair, allowing Seonghwa to hide away in him, just for the moment.

Mingi was usually the one hiding away in Seonghwa’s arm. He’d become the only safe space Mingi needed over the years. Seonghwa knew he wasn’t the  _ best  _ at comforting people but, he can’t help but wonder if he feels this cold when doing so.

They don’t talk about it afterwards.

Typical.

Seonghwa gets a final xray on his arm and ribcage.

“Call you in a couple of days! Hope you’re feeling better.”

The nurse from his stay here is as warm as he remembers her.

── ⊱ ──────

Mingi took Seonghwa out for lunch.

Seonghwa’s company let him use some sick days during the first few weeks of his recovery. But he strongly declined using his vacation days.

When his memories came back, he wanted to have time saved for his wedding and honeymoon.

In other words, he was kinda broke.

Seonghwa tries not to seem all giddy and overflowing. But that’s exactly what he was in this moment. He kept wiggling his free fingers.

“Thank you for treating me.”

“Just be sure to get your coder brain back.”

Seonghwa scrunches his nose at the title.

“I know, I don’t like depending on anyone.”

“That’s for sure.”

Seonghwa doesn’t like his tone, but does he have any place to be annoyed?

He didn’t want to ruin the limited time he had with Mingi anyways.

“Do you even remember graduating?”

“No.. but sometimes when I’m looking over Hongjoong’s shoulder I can kinda grasp what he’s doing. Maybe I’m close to remembering everything.”

“You’re a quicker learner. I’m sure it’ll all come back soon enough.”

“You have so much confidence in the universe.”

Mingi nods, chewing his food. He’s leaning over the table the way he does and Seonghwa recalls how shy he would get when Mingi would do this, right before closing the space between them with kisses on those yummy lips of his.

He hasn’t forgotten the feel of Mingi’s full lips.

Do engaged people ever daydream about kissing someone else, even with their full memory?

── ⊱ ──────

Yeosang comes over for breakfast a few days later.

“Hello? Earth to Mars?”

He blinks and Yeosang smiles,

“Where’d you go?”

“The past.”

Hongjoong flips the pancake by tossing it in the air and Seonghwa’s eyes go wide, mouth in an ‘o’

“WHOA DO THAT AGAIN!”

He does it again and Seonghwa sits in amazement.

“You don’t change.”

Yeosang says with a roll of his eyes and Seonghwa is glad to hear that. Likes the way Hongjoong smiles at him before turning back to the stove.

Seonghwa feels like a shadow in the room these days.

Not even a piece of furniture because  _ at least _ those have a purpose.

Yeosang’s phone rings and he sighs,

“Give me a second.”

Hongjoong serves Seonghwa and leans in but pulls away, soft blush on the apples of his cheeks.

“No, come back.”

Hongjoong looks at him curiously. Seonghwa holds his chin and kisses the corner of his lip,

“Thank you for cooking, JooJoo.”

Hongjoong melts where he stands, shy smile that wakes up those butterflies.

“Sorry I gotta take mine to go. Something at Jiwon’s came up.”

“Oh no, how awful.”

Seonghwa is glad Hongjoong uses that tone with others, not just Mingi. Yeosang does a sarcastic laugh that sends Seonghwa into a giggle fit.

“Don’t encourage him, baby.”

When Yeosang leaves, the pair sit in silence. Going through their phones and letting the sound of forks scraping plates fill the room.

“We should go on a date. Dates, I mean.”

Hongjoong looks at him, cheek adorably full of food.

“Oh, okay.”

“I just..”

Hongjoong places his tiny hand over Seonghwa’s

“Take your time, baby.”

“That’s the thing, I don’t want to take my time. I want to remember already. So maybe, I dunno, doing things will help. I feel like I’m lost in the dark and I don’t like how far we’ve drifted apart.”

Seonghwa opens his fingers and lets Hongjoong’s slip between the spaces.

An anchor.

“Okay, I’ll take you out. Maybe I’ll recreate some of our favourite ones.”

“Thank you.”

Hongjoong kisses each of his knuckles,

“Are you free tonight?”

Seonghwa smirks,

“You know I am.”

“Then I’ll pick you up tonight.”

── ⊱ ──────

Hongjoong laid out an outfit for Seonghwa. It was cute, made him feel like he was in a Julia Roberts movie.

Seonghwa dresses himself, puts on a tad bit of makeup and looks himself over. He was actually, dare he say it, nervous.

**Star:**

Ready! Should I meet you there?

**JooJoo:**

I’ll send an uber your way, details soon.

**Star:**

You did this the last time?

**JooJoo:**

Mhm! Helps with your dislike of driving.

Seonghwa blinks at the screen.

Mingi always hated driving for  _ every _ outing. But Seonghwa felt too uneasy on highways and even more so now.

His worst fear had come true.

**JooJoo:**

ETA five minutes! -two attachments- Driver and the car.

**Star:**

Thank you, JooJoo.

Seonghwa locks the door behind himself as he waits for a black four door car. A lilac haired boy behind the wheel. This whole ordeal made him nervous. The getting into a stranger's car. The not knowing where he was going.

Getting into a car, period.

“Hiya, I’m your uber driver Wooyoung!”

Seonghwa smiles politely and buckles himself.

“Normally I drive like a bat fresh outta hell but, I was given a stern detailed message to transport you safely  _ or else _ .”

He deepens his voice at the end, which makes them both laugh.

“If we’re late, I was told that’s okay.”

“Thank you. JooJoo is protective of me.”

“Boyfriend?”

“Fiance.”

Seonghwa likes the way he feels when he corrects Wooyoung.

“Wow, lucky guy.”

He turns up the radio and it’s Seonghwa’s favourite cello piece. He can’t help but close his eyes and picture watching this with his own eyes. The memory as gentle as the bow pulling notes from the strings. Seonghwa can vividly see Hongjoong’s side profile. He smiles, opening his eyes,

“I remembered something!”

Wooyoung glances at him through the rearview mirror.

“Must've been good if you’re this excited?”

“Ah, well-”

Seonghwa clears his throat,

“I was in a really bad accident and I haven’t regained all my memories yet.”

They lock eyes briefly when Wooyoung glances at him again.

“So yeah, it was good. Really good!”

“Sorry to hear something awful happened to you.”

His tone sounds genuine. But Seonghwa kept his eyes focused on the passing buildings.

“I’m glad for this small victory!”

“Thank you.”

Seonghwa’s glances at Wooyoung’s eyes through the mirror. He likes the little beauty mark under one of them.

  
  


Hongjoong is waiting outside of this place called Once In A Blue Moon.

Seonghwa’s skin is covered with goosebumps when he sees him. He looked  _ delicious _ .

“Whoa is that him?”

“Yeah.”

“Then you’re both lucky.”

Seonghwa smiles at Hongjoong.

He was dressed in black fitted jeans and white tee shirt that had a wide cut at the neck. Dainty necklaces hugging his neck perfectly. Seonghwa was wearing something that complimented his outfit. But it didn’t matter what he had on. His brain seemed to finally be on one track that lead to this firework show he’d been waiting to see.

“Hey!”

“You look..”

Seonghwa wasn’t sure what was appropriate for this moment.

He enjoyed making Mingi unravel with just his words. But Hongjoong was different, really different. Like how Mingi would be waiting with eager eyes for the praise, Hongjoong has a smirk from the lack thereof.

“Someone forget how to use their words suddenly?”

“Just, um. How do we talk to each other?”

“You can say whatever you feel as it comes to you.”

“So saying I could blow you in the bathroom for looking so good would be just fine?”

Hongjoong tries to play it cool. As if his blush isn’t spreading to his ears while he nods.

“Yeah, that’s just fine.”

They walk in and the neon blue lettering is mesmerizing. Seonghwa looks around at the lowlight setting and tightly laced his fingers with Hongjoong’s.

They sit and Hongjoong orders what they first ate here together.

“This is so lovely.”

“Mm. It was actually a surprise for you. We came to see an artist you adore, Katie Kim.”

“You.. what?”

Seonghwa’s laugh is breathless.

“It was a go big or go home kinda first date for me.”

Seonghwa taps each of his fingertips against his thumb, twice. Thinking about how he must’ve felt then.

Seonghwa clears his throat, allowing their fingers to lace again as he looks around.

Seonghwa thinks about how hard he tried to woo Mingi.

Give him all the romance he craved and match the way he treated Seonghwa when he wanted their nights to feel special.

“You were still iffy about dating which, I understood. Bad breakup mixed with a fresh friendship. It was scary. So I really wanted to show you that I was willing to be serious if you were.”

Seonghwa hums at his words, still looking around. Not sure what he was avoiding more, the eye contact or the feelings trying to resurface.

“I’m not too romantic either. Which is okay since that was an issue in the past for the both of us.”

Seonghwa finally looks at him.

“But you deserve to be treated like the prince you are and I really wanted to show you that I could do that.”

Hongjoong has a soft smile when he says that. It combats the sexy vibe he had going on. But it stirs those butterflies in Seonghwa.

“You’re making me feel quite a lot.”

“Good.”

Hongjoong’s smug when he says it.

Seonghwa  _ loves _ it.

── ⊱ ──────

Mingi was back to being short with Seonghwa.

He hated the back and forth. Seonghwa knows there’s a lot he hasn’t remembered and perhaps even more that he can’t undo with funny texts.

But he missed him and couldn’t help that part.

Even if things with Hongjoong we’re getting better.

Mars had both Phobos and Deimos but one couldn’t help and wonder which was his favourite.

Seonghwa couldn’t help but wonder if he ever really got over Mingi before he dived head first into Hongjoong.

Or maybe he was being selfish, wanting more from them both.

Mingi was too busy for him.

Building a life without Seonghwa.

The way Seonghwa had once been too busy for him.

Building a life without Mingi.

── ⊱ ──────

Seonghwa wakes up from Hongjoong mumbling in his sleep.

He felt more comfortable sleeping with Hongjoong every night now.

Deciding that trying to spend time with Mingi (in any form), a person who was no longer in love with him, wouldn’t help him get back to the life he had built with Hongjoong. A person who was so clearly in love with him.

Hongjoong did agree to keep his hands to himself, unless for cuddling, and Seonghwa couldn’t imagine how on earth he had this much patience.

Maybe that’s a top quality for him when it came to Hongjoong.

Seonghwa turns over to face him, he’s sweaty. His face keeps scrunching and he’s groaning. Perhaps a nightmare?

“Seonghwa..”   
Oh.

Not a nightmare. 

Seonghwa feels his blush burning his cheeks at the way Hongjoong just moaned his name. He scoots away when Hongjoong rolls his hips against the mattress.

“Hongjoong?”

He groans again and Seonghwa covers his mouth to keep from giggling. Yeah, that probably won’t help. He gently shakes Hongjoong until his eyes flutter open.

“What’s wrong?”

His voice groggy with sleep.

“Um, nothing really. You were just having an intense dream.”

“Was I sleep talking?”

“And other things.”

Hongjoong rolls over on his back and stretches. Seonghwa looks anywhere but the obvious.

“You really couldn’t stand that when we first moved in together.”

“One can see how it’s annoying.”

“I’m just a little stressed and.. Sorry. I’ll go sleep in the office-”

“No, please don’t leave. It was just.. Honestly funny.”

“My sleep talking?”

Seonghwa can see the smirk on his face even in the darkness.

“Don’t act slick.”

“I’m going to shower. Feel free to go back to bed.”

“Well.. you could just, you know.. here..”

Hongjoong raises an eyebrow at him.

“You’ve never been one to  _ just _ watch. You like being watched, however.”

Seonghwa feels his face heating up again.

“You're quite the.. Performer, let's say.”

“I am not.”

“Don’t be a prude, it’s just me.”

He says it so casually.

It’s quiet and Seonghwa is having flash flood memories of his sex with Mingi.

How he loved when Mingi would watch as he rode him or sucked him off. How he liked keeping the curtains open and the lights on.

“Maybe you’re right.”

He’s mad at himself for not remembering something between him and Hongjoong.

“It’ll be too awkward. I really appreciate you wanting to try.”

Hongjoong leans over but stops.

Seonghwa knows that he shouldn’t have, but he does it anyways.

He closes the gap between him and Hongjoong with an open mouth kiss.

It's slow at first. His tongue trying to learn it's way around Hongjoong’s mouth again. Hongjoong giving Seonghwa the chance to lead.

Seonghwa just wanted to kiss someone.

Someone meaning Mingi.

However, Mingi didn’t want to kiss him.

So instead, he’s crawled on top of Hongjoong, a person who did want to kiss him.

More than kiss him.

It made him feel  _ good _ . Made him feel  _ wanted _ . Because the one person Seonghwa  _ really  _ wanted, couldn’t care less.

So he pulls off Hongjoong’s shirt, softly biting along his lovely collar bones. Tender kisses that combat the mood in the room to soothe any pain Hongjoong isn’t comfortable with. But the way he’s grabbing a hand full of Seonghwa’s hair, he guessed Hongjoong likes a little pain.

Good.

Seonghwa really does like the way he’s turning into mush under his touch. How hard Hongjoong feels against him. The whimpers Seonghwa pulled from him with such  _ ease _ . How Hongjoong rolls his hips up desperately with every twist of their lips.

Is it wrong to use him like this? Engaged or not, could he sleep after knowing it was only because Hongjoong was there and available. Willing but for all the reasons Seonghwa wasn’t?

But Seonghwa has all these feelings for Hongjoong, confusing or not. So was this really a bad thing?

Yes. Hongjoong probably thinks he’s got his fiancé back.

Would he be mad if he wanted to stop?

A firecracker soaring into the sky at full speed, a loud whistle until it reaches its high point and then.. Nothing.

Seonghwa pulls away, hand on Hongjoong’s chest. Keeping him down when he tries to sit up.

“I’m sorry, sorry. I just wanted to try but it’s not-”

“Don’t be sorry, baby.”

Seonghwa gets off him, laying on his back and pulling the comforter up to his face. Heavy breathing from them both out of different kinds of frustration.

“I’m gonna shower.”

Seonghwa just nods.

“Seriously, don’t be sorry. Don’t trouble yourself with bad thoughts.”

But how, exactly, does he do that?

── ⊱ ──────

Seonghwa is slowly getting back into work. Taking on small jobs like recommending updates or offering help with designing a webpage.

He feels like these are useless tasks and below his paygrade. But he doesn’t complain.

Just continues to wait.

Seonghwa knows he’s so painfully close.

“Wanna grab lunch in the park? I can take you to your favourite spot.”

“It’s unbearable outside.”

“Mm, it is. But being inside is worse. Haven’t you had enough of that?”

Hongjoong’s smile is incredibly enticing.

A firecracker against the pitch black sky. No matter how many pop off, you can’t seem to stop looking.

  
  
  


Hongjoong buys them something off a food truck and Seonghwa scrunches his nose at the idea of eating something hot. On this hot ass day. Hongjoong nudges him,

“I’ll get you some shaved ice after. You still really like grape?”

“Yes!”

Seonghwa perks up at the offer.

Hongjoong smoothes back his gelled hair. It’s not out of place, he probably just wanted to touch him in some way.

“Can we.. invite Mingi to wine night?”

Hongjoong does the eye roll and eyebrow flick.

“I want to get drunk! And I know it’s been easier with you but I-”

Seonghwa catches himself.

The breeze being a relief and a sign of mercy from the sun. 

“I get it. If he wants to come, he can.”

There’s a shift between them. This bench doesn’t have enough space for the two of them anymore.

“I didn’t.. I just don’t want to do or say anything I regret. Mingi grounds me, I can’t explain it. Even when we were just friends he..”

Hongjoong doesn’t say anything.

“I’m starting to trust you again, JooJoo. I don’t trust myself. Not like with my brain like this.”

“We should start heading back.”

It’s been a few weeks and all he’s gotten from Mingi was a stupid sticker in response to a message (one of many). This whole thing seemed stupid when he sent the invite and read over their dry ass messages.

Seonghwa wouldn’t say he needed him, but goodness did he miss Mingi.

── ⊱ ──────

Yeosang is showing them his favourite cat tiktoks on the tv while waiting for Mingi. Hongjoong doesn’t miss any chance to point out how long it’s been since Seonghwa last text Mingi.

He was right, things always happened on Mingi’s time.

Anyways.

Yeosang’s laugh is adorable. Top ten Seonghwa will ever hear. Contagious as well. Because the majority of these aren’t even that funny. Yet, the trio was cackling at the screen.

The way Yeosang draped his legs over Seonghwa’s lap and is laying his head in Hongjoong’s lap makes this whole scene feel (dare he say) homey.

There’s a knock and Yeosang swings himself into the sitting position.

“I’ll get it.”

Hongjoong smiles at him and it’s fake. Seonghwa makes a mental note of that.

Mingi has round specks and soft curly hair. He can’t remember him ever looking so soft and sweet. His flannel is a bit too big but Seonghwa recalls him usually wearing tops a tad larger than they needed to be.

“Sorry traffic was a nightmare.”

“I’m glad you made it.”

They share a shy smile as he walks in. Mingi pauses and furrows his eyebrows at Seonghwa, pointing at him.

“You kept that?”

Seonghwa looks down at his lavender sweater and it hits him. Mingi bought him this as a birthday gift one year.

“I guess I did.”

Hongjoong leans back on the couch and Seonghwa says in a passing whisper,

“Don’t mention it. I obviously wanted to keep it.”

Mingi follows Seonghwa into the living room and gives that flat line smile.

“Sorry, traffic driving all the way up here is just..”

He sighed heavily when the other two didn't seem to care.

“Well I am ready to drink and watch that new IT movie!”

“Wait, you didn’t say it was a scary movie.”

Mingi’s whine gave Seonghwa butterflies.

Just like old times.

“You wouldn’t have come if I did!”

“Oh, what a shame that would’ve been.”

Hongjoong does that stupid eyeroll and eyebrow flick. Yeosang heads into the kitchen, preparing the snacks. Hongjoong grabs a few beanbags and heads to the back patio.

“Don’t worry, Hongjoong is really brave. He kills bug with his bare feet.”

Seonghwa gags and Yeosang laughs at his shiver.

“Plus, you got me.”

Mingi doesn’t respond to that.

Seonghwa has figured out that the part of Yeosang’s threat was how daggers shoot from his glare. Those mochi cheeks are a facade. They’re actually loaded with sharp blades for moments like this.

“Can I help with anything?”

“Yeah, we have wine tumblers for nights outside so our guests don’t have to worry about breaking anything. Baby, show him.”

Hongjoong mentally kicks himself in the ass.

“I’m sorry-”

“Don’t be.”

“Uh, bottom cabinets by the fridge.”

Hongjoong heads to the hall closet for the projector. Mingi bends over and grabs a few of the cups.

“Going to assume the star one is yours.”

“Your guess is as good as mine.”

They laugh, forgetting (heh) for a moment.

── ⊱ ──────

Mingi is still a huge scaredy cat.

He hid in Seonghwa’s shoulder for most of the movie. Even the other two getting a kick out of his fear. Seonghwa did feel bad, kinda. But the alcohol was hitting him just right and  _ this _ scene had that genuine ‘homey’ feeling to it.

Because Mingi was here. Which meant Seonghwa had everything he needed to feel whole.

  
  
  


Yeosang is all too excited to sleep over. He skips up stairs, which Seonghwa worries about. Tipsy people and stairs never mixed well. But there is no tripping or crashing sound.

“Mingi as much as I’d prefer not to offer, you should stay as well. It’s late and you’ve had a few glasses to drink.”

“I’m  _ far  _ from intoxicated.”

“Mm, yes I’m sure. However, this is the time of night that cops are assholes and will pull you over for anything. I don’t feel like hearing it when I refuse to bail you out of jail. So please, sleep on the couch.”

Seonghwa is hiding how happy he is. Hongjoong was extremely kind hearted, no matter how much sass he layered over it.

“I’ll get you clothes.”

“I don’t want any. Just a blanket.”

Seonghwa and Hongjoong head up stairs.

He grabs him a blanket and pillow. Trying to take his time, not seem too eager to get back downstairs.

“I’ll probably take a while. Mingi gets new place jitters and would probably like it if I stayed with him until he falls asleep.”

“Whatever you want to do, my love.”

Hongjoong doesn’t look at him when he says this.

He doesn’t mean it. Another mental note.

Seonghwa doesn’t have it in him to care.

Mingi has taken off his flannel and Seonghwa really likes it when he wears plain t-shirts.

Mingi was far from simple. But it was when he looked simplest, he melted Seonghwa into a puddle for him to splash without care.

“Here, I hope this is enough.”

“Thank you.”

Seonghwa sits next to Mingi. Which confuses him.

“I know how you get when you’re in a new place, is all.”

“You shouldn’t be worrying about me. Hongjoong is probably sick to death of it.”

Seonghwa just scoots over enough for Mingi to lay down and pats the cushion. Mingi takes off his glasses and lays down. Seonghwa combs his hair back off his forehead.

It’s awkward and peaceful all at the same time.

Seonghwa know’s he should be upstairs. In bed. With his fiance.

But goodness did he really enjoy being down here. On the couch. With his ex.

The sense of familiarity finally washing over him and for the first time in weeks, Seonghwa felt himself genuinely relax.

Mingi’s eyes are closing more and more. Getting heavy as he starts to drift off. Seonghwa traces the line of his nose, sliding himself down a little. Feeling himself getting sleepy as well.

“Just five more minutes okay, Mingi?”

“Mm.”

Only Seonghwa doesn’t leave in five minutes.

He falls asleep down there on that couch with Mingi laying his head on his lap.

Them holding hands.

── ⊱ ──────

Seonghwa wakes up with Mingi on his chest and he wonders when he slid himself down to end up like this.

He wonders how silly they must look, both their long limbs spilling over the edges of this couch. Crunched in such a way to sleep comfortably. Mingi was a furnes at all times. It was no surprise Seonghwa woke feeling clammy.

Seonghwa can see something like a photo in his mind of Hongjoong asleep on his chest. Seonghwa is doing a peace sign.

It’s gone as quickly as it comes.

Mingi stretches, scooting himself up unintentionally. He cuddles into Seonghwa’s neck, breath tickling him. Seonghwa scratches Mingi’s scalp the way he used to as he woke up.

Mingi still looks like a baby when waking up. A kitten if you will.

“Morning.”

Mingi sits up, stretching some more. Seonghwa can’t help but stare at the skin poking out as his shirt hikes up.

“Morning.”

His voice heavy with morning rasp. Seonghwa sits up, letting Mingi’s brain start up like a computer back from the early 2000’s.

He always hated that comparison.

“I should go.”

“No! Stay for breakfast. I’ll make waffles!”

Seonghwa does his best to sound convincing instead of like he’s begging. Mingi looks like he’s thinking about it but huffs,

“No. I’m gonna go.”

  
  


Seonghwa waits for him by the door. Letting him gather his things alone.

Mingi walks over, hair a mess in the best way. Glasses hanging low on his cute nose.

He shouldn’t look this good so early.

Yet he always did, no matter the time of day.

“Text me back more often. It’s lonely in my mind.”

“Is it?”

Mingi asks, tone hinting at how dramatic Seonghwa sounded to him,

“You’re all that’s up there right now. So when you don’t respond, it’s like talking to the wall.”

“Then not much has changed.”

Oh.

That was always the argument, wasn’t it?

Mingi hugs Seonghwa, firm. Almost like he’s trying to say sorry. Because  _ actually _ saying sorry would mean there’s room for more. And there just.. Couldn’t be.

When they pull away, Mingi cups his face. Running his thumbs along Seonghwa’s cheeks. Eyes looking over where the bruises on his face used to be.

“I’m glad you healed up. I haven’t shown it, but I’ve been so worried about you.”

Seonghwa is holding his waist out of habit.

Regardless of how long it’s actually been, this was his favourite way to be held by Mingi.

His large hands cradling him as if he were a single japanese anemone. Soft fingers making Seonghwa feel teeny no matter where they were placed on him.

His hands the leafs to his flower bud.

Seonghwa doesn’t think anything of it when he’s being pulled towards Mingi.

Doesn’t think to stop him.

Doesn’t think about the others in the house.

Doesn’t think about being engaged.

What he does think about, is how much he’s missed the feel of Mingi’s plump lips. Soft like ranunculus petals. Pulling Seonghwa close to him and just like the flower, unfolding slowly.

You don’t have to water ranunculus often. So Seonghwa was drinking Mingi in gulps. Saving as much of him as he could until next time.

There’s a soft smack from their lips when they separate.

He wonders if the flower ever felt this desperation when the flow trickled down to nothing.

“Secret?”

Mingi’s lips drag across Seonghwa’s as he whispers the word.

Seonghwa just nods. Stretching his neck to kiss Mingi’s nose. Which makes him giggle.

They can hear footsteps from upstairs and Mingi opens the door.

“Tell him I said thank you.”

“I will.”

Shy smiles.

Butterflies dancing around them.

── ⊱ ──────

Seonghwa is swimming through months of photos in Hongjoong’s hard drive.

He can’t believe they had two terabytes worth of photos.  _ TWO _ !

It was nice, looking through the past like this. Seeing how happy he was (is?) during this relationship. Mingi wasn’t fond of photos. Not of himself anyways. They hardly had any proper photos together. Seonghwa’s family didn’t think Mingi was real the first few months of their relationship.

Which is  _ still _ a running joke to this day.

Anyways.

He’s looking for that particular picture that flashed through his mind the other week when he was on the couch. Seonghwa notices Hongjoong had red hair once as well. It suits him. He looked like a little strawberry. Seonghwa wonders if he ever called Hongjoong that.

He wondered a lot these days.

“Found you!”

Speaking of, Hongjoong plops himself in the bean bag next to Seonghwa.

“Hi.”

His smile is so cat like. Why did Seonghwa have an interest in feline like men?

“Hi back.”

Hongjoong leans over and rests his head on Seonghwa’s shoulder. He doesn’t mind being touchy with him anymore. Seonghwa even initiated the cuddling at night when falling asleep.

“Trying to figure things out?”

“I saw this one of us in my mind and I just can’t stop thinking about it. We were on the couch. I don’t think it was a special night or anything, maybe Yeosang thought we looked cute and decided to snap a quick photo.”

“Do you remember what colour my hair was?”

Seonghwa thinks for a moment.

“Really bright peach, I think.”

Hongjoong scrunches his face and sticks out his tongue.

“The ending of my red hair phase.”

“Strawberry JooJoo was out of season, making way for peach JooJoo.”

Hongjoong takes the laptop, sentimental smile tugging lazily across his face and he seems to effortlessly skim through the endless folders. Finding a section Seonghwa was still pages away from.

“Maybe it’ll be somewhere here.”

Sure enough, three folders later there it was. Just like in his mind.

“We actually just got home from a trip Yeosang took us on right after I proposed.”

Seonghwa feels like an asshole.

It was something important.

“I was so tired. It was like, I don’t know, two something in the morning. Our flight got delayed and then the baggage claim belt got stuck and took over an hour to get fixed. It was pure madness.”

“We need to have a night where you put these on the projector and tell me about each photo. Maybe hearing about them will force my memory back.”

“Yeosang is going out of town again so we can take a stroll down memory lane this week for wine night.”

It was always so unreal to hear how domesticated his life was with Hongjoong. Seonghwa couldn’t imagine being this way with Mingi.

Not because Mingi was the problem. Seonghwa just knew he wasn’t the intimate kind. It was a real issue with the old pair.

Seonghwa was an old soul who didn’t feel the need to always be over the top in his expression of love for well,  _ anyone _ . And Mingi wanted the lavish end of love where he was wined and dined even with the simplest of things. The pair could never find that middle ground where it might not have been everything the other wanted, but it would suffice.

How exhausting it was to never be enough for each other.

Maybe there was still so much Seonghwa was missing.

Maybe their ending held more than just Mingi’s broken heart.

“I’d like that.”

── ⊱ ──────

Conversation with Mingi isn’t anything love inducing.

Well, anymore than Seonghwa already was.

Today, he was mainly getting caught up on the last two years of Mingi’s life. He was one year of college away from being a dance teacher. Seonghwa was most proud of that. Mingi also adopted two cats that he named thing one and thing two, which he truthfully did because can’t tell the difference between them unless he’s looking at their eyes (one had green eyes, the other has one green and one yellow. Both are also white). This made Seonghwa giggle because  _ of course _ he managed to do that. Their dog hadn’t died but Mingi couldn’t bear the idea of caring for it. So he found a good home for it. He has a roommate named Jongho, who’s younger than him. But he’s apparently like a small bear and Mingi really enjoys having him around.

Hongjoong pretends he doesn’t notice Mingi is the one Seonghwa is talking to most of the day.

He does, however, do the eyebrow flick and eyeroll thing that drives him  _ insane. _

Seonghwa prefers that than an actual argument.

But tonight Seonghwa was in a mood. Mingi mentioned how he was asked out for drinks. He doesn’t need to reassure Seonghwa, who’s currently engaged, that this guy is just a friend from school and it probably won’t go anywhere. So Seonghwa encourages Mingi to go out.

Mingi sends him a selfie with the guy. He’s got the side of his hair in a french braid.

“Glad he’s moving on.”

Hongjoong wasn’t one to read over Seonghwa’s shoulder.

Annoyed mood increased by thirty percent.

“They’re just friends.”

“Let’s hope not for long.”

Mood intensifies once more.

Seonghwa rolls his eyes and looks at Hongjoong. Who is scrolling through his own phone now.

“Your eyebrow slits are  _ dumb _ . I don’t care if it was my idea. You shouldn’t have listened to me.”

Hongjoong laughs and Seonghwa’s anger deflates.

A firecracker pop that rang in your ears.

“Why are you so grumpy? Are you jealous that Mingi is out getting laid?”

“I don’t care about what he’s doing..  _ Who _ he’s doing.”

A lie.

“Do you.. Wanna try fucking around again?”

Seonghwa blushes all the way up to his ears and Hongjoong giggles.

“Just thought I’d put it out there.”

“Are we always so blunt?”

“Not always but I thought it would be easier than me going about it like I normally would.”

Seonghwa turns to face him, playing with the hem of his shirt.

“What, um.. do you usually do?”

Hongjoong has this look in his eyes now that tingles Seonghwa’s skin. This must be one of the things he does.

“I’d cook for you.”

He scoots closer to Seonghwa.

“Let you talk, you always have so much to say at the end of each day. Massage your shoulders. You carry your stress there, my poor kitten.”

The pet name makes Seonghwa feel hot. He drags his index finger along Seonghwa’s jaw,

“I’d kiss you here. And.. here.”

Hongjoong gently taps a spot on his throat.

“And here.”

Another tap lower down.  _ That _ particular spot was one of Seonghwa’s favourites.

“And..”

Hongjoong tugs Seonghwa’s collar down. Pressing his finger down on his chest.

“There. Other places. You like when I kiss on you. When all my attention is on your body.”

“Maybe, just for like, science, you should show me.”

Hongjoong smirks and Seonghwa knows the fuse to this firecracker has been lit.

Seonghwa is hyper aware of how small the couch is. How quick it was for Hongjoong to be on top of him, pulling off his shirt. It’s not that Seonghwa didn’t feel ready. It was almost like this actually was for science.

With Mingi, Seonghwa was usually the one leading. Even though he bottomed most of the time, he was still the one calling the shots.

Kissing Hongjoong really did feel like a firework show.

Right now he was the kind that had a small pop, with all those little spots that crackled before quickly fading. Another soaring into the air not long after. Never allowing silence to fill the night sky (what were they called?). Seonghwa can’t think right now. Hongjoong might not have had the plump lips Mingi did, but goodness was he  _ sensual _ . Every twist of their lips had Seonghwa wanting more. The way Hongjoong would roll his hips every time he bit Seonghwa’s lip, how he dragged his nose along Seonghwa’s skin before leaving sucky kisses on him.

The whistle building up your anticipation for the  _ boom _ .

Every nip of the skin, drag of his nails, squeeze of his hands. Hongjoong felt like glitter firecrackers (Seonghwa remembers now). Leaving behind sparkles that blend in with the stars. He was lingering everywhere on Seonghwa’s body.

Hongjoong looks up at Seonghwa, tongue dancing everywhere but over his nipple.

“I can’t collect proper data for my hypothesis if the variable isn’t constant.”

“Then you’ll just have to conduct more than one experiment.”

Seonghwa runs his fingers gently through his hair before pulling it. Hongjoong flicks his tongue over his nipple, smile so incredibly taunting.

“Touch me.”

“I  _ am _ touching you, kitten.”

Seonghwa grips his hair tighter. Hongjoong just smiles again, biting his bottom lip.

“I’m not above begging, but it seems you enjoy this.”

“I love when you think you’re in control. It’s so cute.”

And just like that, this time is different from the last.

He wants Hongjoong,  _ badly _ . Not just because he’s the only body around. But because he’s pushing all his buttons. Seonghwa wants to see just how good Hongjoong is to him.

Seonghwa slides his hand down between them but Hongjoong stops him, brings it back up to kiss his finger tips. Down to his wrist, pulling Seonghwa up for another open mouth kiss.

This was the moment the crowd knew the big firecrackers were coming, the part of the show everyone truly comes for.

Seonghwa is surprised by the way he moans when Hongjoong starts to work him with his hand, sucking hard on that particular spot on his neck.

“I got you tonight, baby. Don’t trouble yourself with trying too hard.”

It’s the same kind of feeling you have when the  _ boom _ is still vibrating in your chest.

Seonghwa couldn’t tell how he was sweaty with the way Hongjoong sucked and licked over every bit of his skin while on his way down to his knees.

He was right, Seonghwa  _ loved _ the way he paid attention to his body. Every little twitch, the goosebumps he’d get from a touch on a certain spot. Hongjoong took his time with him. Watching him as he went.

Seonghwa felt his blush burning his cheeks when he realised the size of the wet spot on his briefs. Hongjoong doesn’t mention it, maybe he’s always this eager.

“Kitten must really wanna play tonight, huh?”

There it is.

“Don’t worry, I won’t take much longer okay?”

“Okay.”

Hongjoong smirks and pulls his bottoms off completely before getting up.

“Don’t move, no touching.”

Seonghwa nods and Hongjoong heads off. He can hear the blinds opening.

“Did you want to put on a show? Or is my kitten still feeling shy?”

“N-not shy.”

“Mm, what a good boy.”

Seonghwa feels his hair stand when he looks over through the open window,  _ of course _ the neighbours are having a party. The sound of drawers opening and closing as Hongjoong looks for something makes Seonghwa whine. He can’t help it.

“You’re always impatient, you know that?”

Hongjoong dips his head over the couch, into his view.

“Suppose that’s my fault. I can never deny you of, well, anything.”

He kisses Seonghwa’s nose before hurrying back in front of him, excited to be on his knees. Lube cap popping open and Hongjoong’s cat-like smile has sparklers tucked into the corners.

“You’re so hot.”

“Am I? Because I’m going to suck you off?”

Hongjoong leans over, licking up the small amount of precome on Seonghwa’s stomach.

“Yes, but that’s not all.”

Hongjoong smirks,

“This tastes like pina colada. It's my favourite one to use while I suck you off, eat you out. Not that you don’t taste delicious already-”

“Hongjoong..”

He puts a tiny amount in his hand and strokes Seonghwa’s cock, biting his bottom lip.

“Sorry, I’ll shut up.”

Hongjoong licks from bass to tip. Seonghwa grips the cushion, sighing heavily. Hongjoong’s hand rubs up and down his thigh as he takes Seonghwa cock into his mouth. Sliding it in slowly, fully. His eyes flutter close just for a moment before he looks up at Seonghwa. Who can’t believe that tiny mouth just took his whole length so easily.

“ _ God _ , your mouth was made to fuck.”

Hongjoong pulls off as slowly as he went down, suckling on his tip. Smirking before taking him back into his mouth.

And it was like waterfall firecrackers. The way Hongjoong hollowed his cheeks,  _ boom. _ How he would grip Seonghwa’s thighs when his cock hit the back of his throat,  _ boom. _ The way he’d curl his tongue when Seonghwa moaned a little too loudly,  _ boom. _ The wet slurping sounds filling the air like the trials of ash. His lips red and swollen, mouthing along the side of Seonghwa’s cock when he needed a break,  _ boom. _ Whispering raspy compliments one after another, about how much Hongjoong  _ loved  _ his dick. How thick Seonghwa was. How pretty his kitten looked when he was like this and for the neighbours to see.

All falling pieces of burning paper like fake shooting stars.

Still so mesmerising, still glad to have the pop ringing in your ears and vibration in your chest.

This is what you came for.

── ⊱ ──────


	2. The Falling of Water

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even the strongest of rocks will crumble under the weight and pressure of water.  
> As the water flows, you can see everything float by,  
> There's no where for the innocent fish or the grimy rocks at the bottom of the river to hide.  
> But happens when water falls with no where to pool?
> 
> or
> 
> Seonghwa remembers a lot about himself and the people around him.  
> It wasn't an easier the second time around.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -tiktok going hey yall. where the hell have you been? im only five minutes late-
> 
> long story short, life not only did a full 180 after i started this and then things got turned completely upside down. 2020 really rocking my shit currently.  
> that being said, i dont like this ch but i promised an update. i hope it's not too much of a let down.
> 
> TW//  
> kinda touch base on how i deal with stress and it tilts into ocd but i would never say the members have those things. idk its weird to me? just be care when reading, it happens during hwa's pov

And so their days played out like that over the weeks.

Little bits of Seonghwa’s past was unfolded gently in his mind like the petals of a sweet william. Date nights were filled with lots of confused laughter and even more tender kisses. Hands are more comfortably placed on each other's bodies.

On good days, Mingi didn’t even cross his mind.

Which made his unanswered texts hurt less.

When things came back to Seonghwa, a memory of course, it didn’t feel like a baseball to the head. It felt more like, “Of course! How could I forget that?” which he liked.

It was less infuriating (to him).

But falling in love with Hongjoong was still as easy as buttercups bloom on warm summer days.

All Senghwa can do is look at Hongjoong with fresh eyes.

It felt easier than when he fell for Mingi.

But nowhere near as strong.

Not yet, anyways.

So, suddenly he’s falling in love with a “stranger”.

He wonders if he loved certain things about Hongjoong now before the accident.

Like how Hongjoong tucks his feet under Seonghwa when he’s cold.

How the sleep talking is more adorable than annoying.

“Whatcha thinking about?”

Seonghwa still spaces out from time to time.

He wonders if he’ll stop doing this.

A smile tugs itself into place as he checks Hongjoong out, who's leaning against his work desk. They’re at the office today.

This part of Seonghwa’s memory flooding him one day when Hongjoong couldn’t figure something out at home before a conference call.

They jumped around the room and had sherbert afterwards.

“How I can’t believe you’re mine.”

Hongjoong’s cheeks bloom pentas and he clears his throat. 

“We should go to the park for lunch.”

Seonghwa nods as he reads over his computer screen. His phone lit up,

**Mango:**

In your part of town! Are you working?

**Toothless:**

Actually at work right now. But, we’re heading to the park if you’d like to meet me there for lunch?

**Mango:**

We?

Seonghwa glances over at Hongjoong; he’s made his way back to his desk and is typing quickly. Most likely wrapping up whatever he’s doing before break.

**Toothless:**

JooJoo and I. If I mention you, he’ll want to head somewhere else. 

It’s been good between us, but I miss you.

**Mango:**

Yeah, okay.

**Toothless:**

Did you want to be sneaky?

**Mango:**

No, I think it’s better if we’re honest today.

Seonghwa looks at his phone confused.

_ Today? _

He shakes his head and goes back to what he was doing on his computer.

Unsure of what he was confused about.

The kiss, the being ignored, or how his heart still searched for Mingi even though things were starting to return to normal for him.

He still couldn’t remember their breakup.

── ⊱ ──────

The spot in the park where Seonghwa liked to sit was peaceful. Far enough out to not be too noisy but close enough that the laughter of children swung carefully in his chest.

Hongjoong had a leg over his, eyes closed as he took in the warm sun. Seonghwa was smiling at him, not noticing Mingi walking up to them.

“There you are!”

Seonghwa’s smile faded when he saw someone behind Mingi, a shy and nervous smile on his face.

“Hello!”

It was the boy from the photo.

Seonghwa has never been one to keep his emotions hidden from his face. Mingi tried to keep his expression happy despite the obvious shift in the atmosphere.

“This is San. San, this is Seonghwa and his fiance Hongjoong.”

Hongjoong waves and there’s something ugly cruddling in Seonghwa at the introduction.

“It’s nice to meet you both! Mingi has told me such kind things about you both.”

Hongjoong looks the most surprised. Seonghwa smiles softly and scoots over for them to sit. Mingi takes up more space than expected, so San sits in his lap. Seonghwa feels his ears heating up.

“Mingi hasn’t told us much about you, forgive me if we seem surprised. We’ve both just been so busy.. B-but I’m glad to hear that he’s carried our names with fond memories though.”

San smiles brightly at Hongjoong. Seonghwa notes the way Mingi reflects the happiness.  _ Oh. _

“He’s a kind soul. Don’t think he could even kill a bug.”

“He can’t.”

Seonghwa chimes in with a tone that’s too matter of fact for the situation. Hongjoong strokes the back of Seonghwa’s neck with just his fingertips twice and then gives the base a firm squeeze. He repeats this until Seonghwa lets out the breath he’s holding. It’s beyond calming to him. Which makes that ugly feeling settle down. Seonghwa clears his throat,

“So, how’d you two meet?”

“We had a few classes together last sem.”

Seonghwa doesn’t take his eyes off the small circle he’s drawing on Hongjoong’s knee.

“You're into dance as well?”

Seonghwa and Mingi used to have date night dance sessions to make up for Seonghwa not having any time to support Mingi fully. At the time it was just a hobby and he regrets not being there for him like he should’ve.

Mingi puts his arms along the back of the bench and Seonghwa can now feel his cheeks heating up. Even though it was a simple adjustment that meant  _ nothing _ .

Sandwiched between the two people he loved.

But this gentle giant was sitting on top of a mountain that didn’t include a view of mars.

Their laughter snaps Seonghwa out of his thoughts and he sinks a little in his seat, feeling embarrassed.

“You okay, baby?”

Hongjoong slightly dips his head into Seonghwa’s view.

“Just spacing again.”

San tilts his head and Seonghwa hates how charming he finds it.

“Mingi mentioned you were in an accident.. How’ve you been feeling?”

Seonghwa doesn’t know why he feels compelled to be honest with this stranger. Maybe it's more of wanting to be honest with Mingi. Only he hasn’t cared enough to ask questions like this.

“It’s honestly been really hard. But lately, things seem to be smoothing out.”

San hums and there's a soft smile pulling at the corners of his mouth.

“Good, I can’t imagine the loneliness you must’ve felt at first.”

Seonghwa wants to roll his eyes, wants to be annoyed guilt free. But San seemed to be sweet as honey.

Hongjoong looks at his watch,

“We should be getting back to work. It was lovely seeing you both.”

Hongjoong stands, stretching himself and Seonghwa checks him out as he does so. Clearing his throat and glancing at Mingi as if he got caught doing something he shouldn’t have.

“We’ll still be around if you want to meet us for drinks later tonight?”

San stands as well now, looking between the pair and waiting for an answer.

“Um, I have a lot of work that I’ll be taking home with me today.”

Seonghwa glances down at his feet, smoothing his pants as he stands.

“B-but maybe Seonghwa can go! He hasn’t really done anything besides hang out with me for months on end.”

“That’s really sweet of you! Most couples wouldn’t want the other to go out on their own. Even if it’s not a possessive thing.”

Seonghwa smiles at Hongjoong but then waves his hands,

“No, JooJoo, I don’t want you to be stuck at home alone.”

“Seriously, it’s okay. I know you miss hanging out with Mingi.”

Seonghwa notes the rosy dust on Mingi’s cheeks.

“We’ll text you in a few hours and see how both of you feel, okay?”

Mingi opens his arms and Seonghwa allows himself to get swallowed just from a moment.

It’s funny how time doesn’t seem real around Mingi. How the seconds seemed like minutes. Minutes like hours. So on and so on.

San just smiles brightly at him, head tilted as he waves.

── ⊱ ──────

The office seemed way too quiet when they returned.

Seonghwa felt like he could hear every person's nails scraping as they pressed their keys. Their chairs creaking with every readjustment, the hum of the a/c when it clicked on.

Maybe he was just fixated on all these things to keep his mind from floating back to Mingi.

Back to the look on his face when he looked at San.

Seonghwa wonders if Mingi ever looked that happy with him.

He sighs and looks over for Hongjoong who’s not at his desk. Which is fine, Seonghwa decides distracting him as well wouldn’t be the best idea either. So he settles on wandering to the break room to fix himself a cup of coffee.

Seonghwa smiles to himself when he sees Hongjoong awkwardly laughing. No doubt from trying to be too polite for his own good. But a hand reaches out to grab his tie, sliding down as she takes a step forward.

Seonghwa stops in the doorway, clearing his throat. The woman takes a step back, shy smile on her face. Hongjoong had owl eyes. It makes Seonghwa wonder if he’s ever seen him  _ that _ angry.

“Excuse me.”

He slips between them, pressing himself against Hongjoong as he reaches behind him for a cup. Seonghwa returns the smirk on Hongjoong’s face.

“Coffee?”

Seonghwa asks, holding up two cups.

“Please.”

Seonghwa turns and the woman is now the one standing awkwardly, trying to piece the obvious together.

“Can I get by you?”

Seonghwa hates how fake he sounds, feels even. He was just trying to avoid a meltdown over his ex and now the sight of someone flirting with his JooJoo started a fire in him.

She nods and moves over for him. He looks at the selection of k-cups and taps the counter.

“Is this all we have?”

“Uh, no there’s some in this cabinet.”

He turns to see Hongjoong tippy toeing to reach a box. Seonghwa walks over, holding Hongjoong’s waist and pressing himself against his tiny body. The feeling fueling that fire in him.

“Don’t trouble yourself, I can reach.”

Hongjoong giggles,

“Shut up, I can too.”

He snatches the box from Seonghwa’s fingertips.

“How’s your fiance, Hongjoong?”

Hongjoong side eyes Seonghwa’s question.

“Oh, you’re engaged?”

The woman asked, embarrassed.

“He’s got such a pretty ring, don’t you think?”

“He’s doing just fine.”

“I’d say he’s doing  _ great _ .”

“I see.”

The woman said, tapping the counter before excusing herself. Hongjoong whacked his chest.

“We’re at work.”

“Well, she should keep her hands to herself then, don’t you think? Or should I look up the fine print for our safe work environment policy?”

Hongjoong backs him up against the counter, slips his leg between Seonghwa’s and places his hands on both sides of him. Seonghwa can’t put into words how his JooJoo makes him feel small.

“You’re being a show off thinking I won’t have you back it up.”

Seonghwa holds in a whine from both the look in Hongjoong’s eyes and the way his thigh feels against him.

“Behave yourself, Kitten.”

He nods quickly and leans down to kiss Hongjoong, but he pulls away. Seonghwa gives a pouty huff.

“Why don’t you bring me my coffee? Got a lot of work to finish up or I will have to pull an all-nighter.”

Hongjoong winks as he leaves but he stops in the doorway,

“Do you remember how I like my coffee?”

“More cream than sugar but not too light.”

There’s a soft smile on his face that lets Seonghwa know Hongjoong can feel him getting so close to having things back to normal.

── ⊱ ──────

Seonghwa is playing with Hongjoong’s ring, hand placed on his thigh. He was nervous to be out with Mingi alone.

“Promise I'll get an Uber home before eleven.”

“You don’t have to, I want you to have fun.”

Seonghwa nods, though Hongjoong wasn't looking at him. He’s become more cautious on the road since the accident.

“Do you think I look too dressy for a bar?”

“I think it wouldn’t be you if you weren’t over dressed.”

Hongjoong laces their fingers and Seonghwa gives them a good squeeze.

“It’s just Mingi.”

“Yeah.”

That was the issue.

  
  


Seonghwa walks in and looks around. It’s not as crowded as he thought it’d be, which settles him. There’s a song on that he likes a lot, the rhythm evening out his racing heartbeat. He spots Mingi’s bright smile and cherry hair across the room, tucked into a corner. The yellow bar lighting makes his skin more golden.

Seonghwa whispers silent excuse me’s as he makes his way over.

San bumps him with his shoulder and smiles widely, dimples begging to be poked.

“Hi! Ordered you a gimlet. A safe bet in my books but, I’ll get you something else is if it doesn’t tickle your fancy.”

He hands Seonghwa the glass and walks ahead of him, Seonghwa looking San over. Admiring quietly how borad his shoulders are and the way his pants don't fit his waist the right way. A drink that matches Mingi’s hair is placed in front of him, he gently holds that tiny frame of San’s. Allowing San to pepper his forehead with kisses. When Mingi notices Seonghwa, his face lights up and he waves excitedly.

“You made it!”

“Hongjoong sends his hellos.”

“He really couldn’t get out of work?”

San ask’s with a pout. Seonghwa smiles softly, shaking his head.

He was already missing him, odd enough (was it?).

“Well, lets have enough fun for him!”

San’s cheeks are rosy and Seonghwa wonders how much he’s had to drink already. Mingi smoothed down the back of San’s hair, soft smile playing on his lips. His eyes slowly falling on Seonghwa. Who hopes he can’t see how the simple action has put him deeper into the box of confusion he’s been sitting in.

“Wanna dance?”

It takes Seonghwa a moment to realize Mingi was asking  _ him _ the question.

“Me?! OH! I- Um, is that okay?”

“Of course!”

San waves off the question and Seonghwa is positive that Mingi has not told him about their past.

So it doesn’t bother San when Mingi holds out his hand for Seonghwa to hold while he leads him to the dance floor. He doesn’t think twice about Mingi holding Seonghwa’s waist when they find a spot to dance in. Why San just makes conversation with whoever is next to him when Mingi pulls Seonghwa closer, a familiar look in his eyes.

“What are we doing?”

Seonghwa doesn’t have to yell. The music isn’t too loud and Mingi is leaning into him closer than he should be. But Seonghwa felt good knowing Mingi didn’t care the way he should considering he had  _ something  _ going on with San.

“Dancing.”

Seonghwa rolls his eyes,

“You know what I mean.”

Mingi smirks and turns Seonghwa so his back is against his chest. Hands on his hips.

Seonghwa hates how good Mingi is at deflecting any kind of confrontation.

He allows it for now. This wasn’t the time or place and while Seonghwa might not be able to keep his emotions from his face, he knew when to let how he was feeling unfold.

“Would it kill you to relax for once?”

Mingi pulls Seonghwa’s hands up to hold his neck.

“I just don’t want to over think.”

“Then don’t.”

Seonghwa closes his eyes and lets his head fall back onto Mingi, both from being annoyed and the way he keeps grinding against him.

Those date nights he mentioned before popping up and it makes him smile. The way things had changed so much but in this moment, everything  _ felt _ the same.

A pair of hands on his shoulder make his eyes shoot open and San smirks at him,

“Mind if I cut in?”

Seonghwa nods, trading places with San. Mingi’s face lights up the dim dance floor more than the multicoloured lights. San is so small compared to Mingi. But the way Mingi shrank reminded Seonghwa of his own relationship.

What the fuck was he doing here?

Seonghwa walks back over to the table they were sharing, downs his drink and pulls out his phone. Getting himself a ride home. He looks around for the bathroom signs, making a beeline there once he spots it. Whispering apologies as he moves through people with more regency than when he walked in.

There seems to be no space now and he can’t catch his breath. The short distance from where he was to the bathroom stretching out for miles suddenly. 

He just had to make it.

Just had to find an open stall and shut the door.

Count his breathing, if he could breathe by then.

If he could reach the fucking bathroom.

“You’re still a spaz when it comes to crowds, I see.”

Mingi’s voice in his ear and hand on the dip of his back grounded him in a way he thought was passed on to Hongjoong.

The bathroom was warm from the bodies going in and out of it, muffled music coming back to life with every swing of the door. Once a stall opened, Mingi shoved him inside it. Seonghwa was way too close to Mingi in the small space.

“Why are you-”

Mingi cups his face, thumbs rubbing along Seonghwa’s cheekbones. He didn’t know he missed this simple action so much.

Then, like magnets do, they pull towards each other.

Fingers tangled in hair, hands gripping hips, and bodies pressed impossibly close.

There isn’t anything like kissing Song Mingi.

Seonghwa’s brain is yelling about germs when his back is pressing against the stall wall.

But his body seems to only care about the one whose pinning him there. Only thinking about how easy it was for Miingi to get worked up over simplest things, like kissing. He can feel him getting hard already. Seonghwa mentally rolls his eyes at his darling boy.

His phone bings about his Uber and Seonghwa pulls away, Mingi kissing each of his cheeks.

“I, um, I gotta go.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s not fair to me or San. And my rides here.”

“Or is it because you’re not having fun now that the tables are turned?”

Seonghwa swats his hands from him and looks at him confused.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Mingi holds his chin, lifting it slightly.

“I see that selective memory is still working in your favour.”

He swears his hand away again, more force this time.

They hold a state. Seonghwa doesn’t like the way Mingi’s are hiding this secret.

“Please let me out.”

Seonghwa doesn't like how quiet his voice sounds.

Doesn’t like the way he asks as if Mingi might say no.

Mingi opens the stall without missing a beat.

“I’ll see you around.”

“Maybe.”

Seonghwa has his hands shoved deep in his pockets, thinking about how many rocks he could fit into them when a familiar car honks at him.

“Seonghwa, right?”

“Hello again.”

He gives Wooyoung a friendly smile this time.

“Wow.”

Seonghwa climbs in, curious expression on his face without really looking at Wooyoung as he buckles himself in.

“You're just even more good looking when you smile.”

Seonghwa doesn’t have it in him to be witty or chatty so he just thanks him softly and looks out the window. Counting each building he saw made of mostly glass.

He can hear Wooyoung talking but he’s zoning out, thinking only about what Mingi mentioned in the stall. Wanting so desperately to remember.

“Which is  _ wild _ right?”

“Absolutely.”

Wooyoung flashes a glance at Seonghwa, he catches it.

“You okay?”

“You’re just talking a little too much for my headspace right now.”

“What a polite way to tell me to shut up.”

They giggle,

“Curious, are you always this chatty with other passengers?”

Wooyoung takes a moment to watch traffic as he turns and a pout forms on his lips.

“I just like the way you listen, I guess.”

  
  


Hongjoong is working in their home office when he returns. Hunched close to the screen and a cup half filled with (no doubt) cold coffee at this point.

“I do recall you needing reading glasses.”

He smiles softly at Seonghwa’s voice flooding their space again, leaning back in his chair. A nervous smile on his face,

“I broke them last week. Been hiding it from you in order to skip out on the stern talking to about how I need to take better care of my things.”

“Maybe I will tomorrow.”

Seonghwa sits in his lap, pushing his hair back and looking over his face.

“I missed you.”

“Mm, that so?”

Seonghwa give him eskimo kisses,

“Yes. Third wheeling isn't much fun.”

“Yeosang would say otherwise.”

Seonghwa presses a feather light kiss onto his lips. Watching the way Hongjoong eyes him.

“I don’t wanna talk about anyone else right now.”

He straddles him, kisses down his neck too gentle for what was on his mind. Hand sliding up Hongjoong’s shirt and taking in the way his fingertips tingle when touching his skin as if he never has.

“I need to finish this before morning.”

Hongjoong says softly, like he doesn’t mean it.

“I’ll be quick.”

Seonghwa watches the way Hongjoong’s mouth opened and closed as he tried to find an excuse to seem less eager than he was. He runs his tongue along his top lip before pressing a soft kiss into them. Hongjoong cups his face,

“C-can you wear something for me?”

“Anything.”

Seonghwa stands and Hongjoong leads him to their room.

“You ready?”

Hongjoong asked gently from the other side of the door.

Seonghwa looks at himself in the bathroom mirror. Ears in place, collar fitting snug on his neck. He tippy toes to look at the tail hanging from his ass.

Hongjoong is setting a full body mirror up when he opens the door. Seonghwa can see how his breath skips when Hongjoong catches sight of him, which makes him feel really good. Sexy.

“Ready.”

He takes a step but Hongjoong tisk’s as him, pointing towards the ground. Seonghwa slowly sinks to all fours and crawls over to Hongjoong. Who’s watching him closely.

“What a  _ good _ boy.”

Seonghwa rubs his face on Hongjoong’s thigh,

“Can I fuck these later?”

“If you earn it.”

Hongjoong’s tone is gentle as he pets Seonghwa.

“What’s the mirror for?”

“You, of course! Want you to see how pretty you look while I fuck your face.”

Seonghwa looks at himself again, cheeks already rosy.

Hongjoong still had briefs on, cock hard and ready for him. Seonghwa hesitated before reaching up to pull them down.

The way Hongjoong pushes his hips towards Seonghwa made him feel like a firecracker this time. The hurried way he kisses along his hips makes him feel like a fuse that’s been lit, burning rapidly to set off the show everyones waiting to see.

The show Seonghwa was waiting to see.

He can see himself in his peripherals. Eager to steal a glance but Hongjoong’s eyes are captivating. Watching Seonghwa suck him off like it’s his first time doing so.

He combed his finger through Seonghwa’s hair before gripping a handful, pulling him off and making Seonghwa whine. But Hongjoong turns his head,

“Look at how pretty you look, Kitten.”

He likes what he sees.

Hongjoong slowly pushes his hips forward and Seonghwa opens his mouth, watching his cheek stretch before Hongjoong pulls out.

“Kitten, you ready?”

“Yes.”

All the tenderness Hongjoong had shown moments before was gone. Grip on his hair tight, pace of his thrust too quick for Seonghwa to not feel the burn in his throat. But he was loving it. Loving the look in Hongjoong’s eyes while he fucked his mouth raw.

Seonghwa thought he loved when others watched him, but was there a fire inside him while he watched himself.

He reached down to work himself but Honjoong pushed himself as far as he could in his mouth. Seonghwa gagged, tears pooling.

“Did you ask?”

Seonghwa grunts. Warm tears falling down his face.

“I see your role between us hasn't come back yet.”

Hongjoongs pulls out, the little gasp Seonghwa does gives him goosebumps.

“Shame, I was just getting started.”

Hongjoong starts jerking himself off and Seonghwa whines,

“Please, use me! I’ll be good, promise.”

He’s ignored. Hongjoong even gave him a quick smirk, moan falling from his lips. Seonghwa couldn’t recall even wanting Mingi this bad. This desperately.

“JooJoo, please?”

Tear form again and Hongjoong huffs.

“No fair. I should give you ten whacks for using the kitty eyes on me.”

“I just wanna be your good boy.”

He allows Seonghwa to give the tip of his cock kitten licks. Slow at first, testing to see if he was really going to let him. Then fast, waiting for the okay or a nod.

Hongjoong grips another handful of hair and turns him to the mirror,

“Such a desperate little slut. Look at you.”

Seonghwa thinks he looks  _ hot _ like this; tear stained cheeks, swollen lips, drool down his chin from his mouth hanging open.

“You’re lucky you’re pretty and I miss you.”

The last three words snapping his attention back to his owner.

He missed Hongjoong so much.

“Finish me up.”

And with that, Seonghwa took him back in his mouth. He might have been showing off. Curling his tongue a certain way, massaging his JooJoo’s balls, making sure to look up each and every time his nose touches his JooJoo’s happy trail.

When he cums, it spills out the corners of Seonghwa’s mouth. But he swallows happily. Hongjoong’s tiny and sweaty body sits in Seonghwa’s lap. Soft whispers about him being the best boy. How in love he was with him. Lots of pets as Seonghwa laid his head in Hongjoong’s neck, heavy breathes slowing with every word.

It was nice to be on this end of things.

“Kitten too tired to fuck my thigh?”

“Not even close.”

Hongjoong giggles as he stands and lays back on the bed. Seonghwa grips his thigh, dipping down to suck a few hickies on the inner part before straddling it.

“Mm, I should punish you so you remember who’s  _ actually _ in charge until your memory comes back.”

Seonghwa looks down at Hongjoong with a pout.

“B-but I took good care of you!”

“You did, such good care. Such a shame isn’t it?”

Seonghwa huffs and Hongjoong smirks.

“You can’t use your hands.”

“How-”

“Figure it out.”

He felt like his soul left his body and he slowly moved his hips. Seonghwa felt pathetic.

He looked over at himself in the mirror,

“You do look devine like this.”

“I’ve looked better..  _ Felt  _ better.”

Seonghwa grabs Hongjoong’s hips and tries to find  _ some _ kind of friction good enough to keep him from whining and begging again.

“It's not fun when you’re pouting the whole time.”

Seonghwa kisses up his tummy, moving his hips faster. Looking over to see what he looks like; black tail looking so pretty against his skin. Amazed by the view of his own ass.

“Fuck.”

Seonghwa whispers.

Hongjoong is watching with a tiny smirk. He rolls his eyes and flicks his eyebrows.

“Sit up, Kitten.”

Seonghwa does so immediately.

Hongjoong closes his legs over Seonghwa cock and laces their fingers.

“Mind our rules next time. I won’t be so nice.”

Seonghwa can hear how much he’s missed him. Can hear all the love he’s been waiting to show Seongnwa through this kinda intimacy. It was more than showing Seonghwa the firework show. It was about having the boom vibrate in his chest when it was all over.

Each thrust,  _ boom _ .

Every time Hongjoong squeezed his thighs,  _ boom _ .

The way Hongjoong held his hand tightly the whole time felt like dahlia firecrackers.

All the compliments oozing from his JooJoo like scattering ashes for Seonghwa to pick up later on the walk back to his car.

Maybe Hongjoong wasn’t just a firecracker.

Maybe he was the whole experience.

And maybe Seonghwa wasn’t just there to experience the beauty of the explosion.

But he was part of it all too.

── ⊱ ──────

Seonghwa was drawing circles along Hongjoong’s shoulder while he spelt in.

He kept him up late playing a trivia game they played together on a stay in date once from before.

Seonghwa hopes he won back then too.

The conversation with Mingi in the stall still bubbling over on the back burner of his mind.

It’s been a few days since then and hadn’t heard from Mingi.

But Mingi seems to reflect a clematis flower these days.

How their vines trickily crawl into areas they shouldn’t be.

“Kitten?”

Seonghwa kisses Hongjoong’s warm skin and hums at the pet name.

“Should we order in or suffer with my cooking?”

Seonghwa pulls him on top, kissing gently over his cheeks.

“Let’s not suffer and order in.”

“GEE THANKS!”

Hongjoong squeeze’s Seonghwa’s side and he jerks up, laughing from being tickled.

“OKAY OKAY!”

Hongjoong may be tiny, but he’s stronger than he looks. Seonghwa jerks too hard and wacks his head on the headboard. Hongjoong stops, holding Seonghwa’s head.

“Are you okay, baby?”

He asks through giggles.

But it’s like the rocks were starting to finally crumble, giving way for more memories to trickle through the wrinkles of his brain. Settling in their abandoned places.

Everything Mingi was talking about rushing in first. Them sneaking Mingi out the front door, phones face down, he can see Mingi and him arguing but can’t hear the conversation. Everything flowed by too quickly. Like a movie pressed on fast forward. He felt the emotions more than anything. The guilt in particular.

And then, Yeosang.

“ _ Just don’t say anything. _ ”

Seonghwa must’ve spaced out because Hongjoong waved his hand in front of his face.

“Hello? Earth to Mars!”

“I um, just remembered a lot of stuff but.. I need a moment.”

Hongjoong scoots back, gently rubbing Seonghwa’s back. He did something he swore he’d never do. And to someone who didn’t deserve it.

No one does, actually.

But Hongjoong least of all.

“Why is your mind troubled? Was it about, um.. Mingi?”

“Yeah but, I don’t- let me gather these thoughts.”

He gets up from the bed, pacing.

He’s already said more than he’s willing to explain. But he feels bad shutting Hongjoong out.

“I need to call, Yeosang. There’s something that doesn’t make sense.”

Hongjoong bites the corner of his thumb. Seonghwa sighs, letting all the air out his lungs before he crawls back into bed. Cupping his JooJoo’s face and looking over his features.

“I’m sorry.”

“Why, exactly?”

“Because I know you want to be my rock right now and I truly don’t deserve someone like you.”

A half truth.

── ⊱ ──────

Yeosang skates up to the park bench Seonghwa is sitting on. He’s all sunny smiles and breezy waves until the emotions aren’t reflected.

“What did I do?”

“Nothing. But you know something important.”

“Indeed, I know many important things.”

Seonghwa doesn’t like the way he easily falls into place next to him. Placing his board on his lap.

“How long did my fling with Mingi last?”

Yeosang taps his board now, realising  _ this _ was the important thing.

“You know, I read about people never regaining their full memories back. A part of me really hoped you’d forget this. Forget him, honestly.”

“Answer me.”

Yeosang looks at Seonghwa, nervously chewing the back of his top lip.

“A month, in the beginning. You were sucked back in by crocodile tears and Hongjoong was a little,  _ much _ , when he was trying to prove himself to you.”

Seonghwa’s face is hot and he blinks away tears.

“But why.. We apparently had such a terrible break up. Then I seen Mingi and I arguing but I can’t recall why.”

Yeosang pulls out a cherry lollipop, sticking it in his mouth and twirling it along his tongue before answering.

“You realised Mingi was still who he’d always been. Who he’s always going to be and he didn’t like that he lost you.”

“I’m disgusted with myself.”

“We’re humans, we make mistakes.”

“No, just no. Misspelling something or taking a wrong turn is a mistake. I was actively choosing to fuck around.”

Yeosang hums at his words.

“There’s truly no comforting you.”

“You told me not to say anything. Why?”

“Hongjoong thinks you hung the moon and paint flowers. If you told him he’d probably still be picking up the piece and honestly, I care about him more than you ever could back then.”

Seonghwa scoffed,

“Oh what, you’re in love with him?”

“I was.. Once upon a time. But he chose you and those feelings turned platonic.”

“Friends close, enemies closer?”

Yeosang rolled his eyes,

“Just because he confessed about having feelings for you before I got the chance to say anything does  _ not  _ mean I saw you as an enemy. Hongjoong isn’t someone you just let fall to the wayside. Friendship is better than nothing. And I love you as well. Maybe more considering all that we’ve been through.”

They stare at each other.

The trees whisper about them as the wind blows.

Yeosang turns to face him better,

“He’s a  _ good _ guy, Seonghwa. You know that. You have to remember even a pinch of that by now.”

“Which is why he deserves to know.”

“Why now? It’s been months and-”

“I'M GONNA  _ MARRY _ HIM!”

Yeosang huffs and Seonghwa stands,

“Thanks for keeping my secret.”

“Pack your shit if you plan on telling him.”

Seonghwa looks over his face.

“He’s not going to want you there and it would be fair if he left. Where would you even go? You hate my girlfriend.”

“I’ll figure it out if that happens

“When, not if. He’s a scorpio, you know he doesn’t give second chances.”

Seonghwa doesn’t say anything as he walks away, just pulls out his phone and calls Mingi.

“We need to meet, now.”

── ⊱ ──────

Seonghwa sits with a warm cup of coffee in his hands and he waits for Mingi to show up.

He’s late.

As always.

Anyways.

Messy, faded red hair hurries over to his table in the cafe and Mingi sighs as he sits.

“Do I even need to remind you how much I  _ hate _ the traffic coming up here.”

“I remember.”

“Good because I’m tired of repeat-”

“I mean about our fling.”

Mingi always looks cold when he’s trying to hide his nerves. It’s an unsettling contrast to his bubbly personality.

He slowly sits in front of Seonghwa.

“And?”

“Why would you allow that? I know how you feel about cheating.”

Mingi looks over Seonghwa’s face. His eyes double back on his neck and Seonghwa is sure he saw the faded hickey.

“I just thought I could show you that we weren’t really finished.”

“It’s had been two years-”

“Yeah, I know! That wasn’t enough time for me. I love you, Seonghwa. More than I’ll probably love anyone in this lifetime.”

He can feel the flowers they’d grown together dying of thirst.

“It was months and months of back and forth when we first broke up. You’re so good at acting like you’re okay. I never noticed the food separating or the apartment smelling like bleach a little more some days. I should’ve seen all your little red flags but I guess that’s just selfish me keeping up my own character, huh?”

Seonghwa traces the rim of his cup.

“Do you even realise how badly you hurt me back then? Just deciding you weren’t in love with me anymore?”

“People don’t  _ just _ decide something like that, Mingi.”

“A-and then you cut me off once you met  _ him _ and I sat there looking through the windows of this love, even though you boarded them up. Watching the chandelier flicker with hope when you called me after all that time back then.. You said you missed me, missed us. It was like things hadn’t changed.”

Seonghwa see’s himself in Mingi.

Thinking about the first weeks after the accident and the ache he felt when he longed for Mingi to just text him back.

“Next thing I know, you’re back to saying you didn’t want me. That you were mistaken and we shouldn’t have started again. But, hell, I thought if two years was enough for you to realise we still had a good thing then a few weeks was nothing. THEN! Then you’re fucking engaged. You-”

He stops himself. Seonghwa wants to comfort Mingi but knows he can’t. He couldn’t.

“You even posted a colour option  _ we _ picked out once.”

He hadn’t realised he’d done that.

Silence was more present during their arguments than convincing words.

Seonghwa sighs,

“I never loved you fully in the way I could. I don’t think either of us did, honestly.”

Mingi hums at his answer.

It seems they’ve been here before.

“It was easy falling back into. Even this time around. But we’re both moving on-”

“No, fuck this! You don’t get to break my heart for a third time!”

Mingi stands, the chair screeches and a few people turn to look at them.

“Mingi, sit-”

“Don’t call me anymore! Ever again, actually. I didn’t ask to be sucked into this mess. I could’ve survived with a stupid facebook update about you not dying. But I showed up-”

“Barely! These last months have either been confusing or lonely on your end!”

Mingi laughs, nostrils flaring the way they do before he cries.

“I’ve overstayed my time in your life. Four years was more than enough for me to realise I’m never going to enough for you. I made the mistake of coming back twice. Don’t know why I thought this would be any different. But you know, I’m not the only selfish one, Hwa.”

“Mingi-”

“Just.. Seriously, let’s go back to pretending the other doesn’t exist. The only thing we need to share is this small town.”

Seonghwa is silent, mouth hanging open as he watches Mingi leave. Trying to find any words to get him to come back, talk a little long. Find a middle ground somehow.

This isn’t what he wanted.

But he did deserve this anger.

── ⊱ ──────

Hongjoong set up a plate for Seonghwa by the time he returned.

His gut twisting into knots and feels like he can’t breathe for a moment.

He hears Hongjoong talking and he figures he got roped into something for work.

Seonghwa thought what Mingi said about the chandelier flickering.

He wondered how he let all that light end up somewhere too dark to shine through.

“Kitten? Just give me ten minutes tops and I’ll be down!”

“Sure!”

Seonghwa sits and fixes the food on his plate, arranging it by groups. Rice in one pile, each veggie in their own as well. Meat stacked into little piles of two. Next was to center his plate in front of him. Cup placed just above the right corner.

Perfect.

“Something big must’ve happened. I haven’t seen you do that since we first started dating.”

Hongjoong’s voice pulled at those knots in his stomach.

“Yeah I um.. I don’t know what to do.”

“About what, exactly?”

Seonghwa notices a single piece of rice on one of his meat piles.

“If I tell you, I’ll lose  _ everyone _ in my life right now.”

Hongjoong looks confused and Seonghwa sighs.

“It’s nothing.”

He picks the rice off and places it in its rightful pile.

“Bit of a dramatic opening to end with it being nothing.”

“Did you know Yeosang had feelings for you back when we were interning?”

Hongjoong’s owl eyes are too endearing for Seonghwa.

“No, not at all.”

“What if you did?”

He furrowed his eyebrows at the question and Seonghwa looks at his untouched food.

“I knew after our first conversation, which I’m sure you don't remember-”

“I was being a little mean because you got lost in the easiest part of our building.”

They stared at each other

The crumbling of rocks to allow water to fall.

“Yeah.”

There was a relief of pressure Seonghwa didn’t realise was there.

“I think.. everything is back.”

“REALLY!?”

Hongjoong cups his face, pulling him so quickly and a little roughly, Seonghwa almost falls out of his chair.

It makes it harder to tell him.

“I just knew it had to be you. You felt like home, even back then. There were never any troublesome feelings about rejection or us not working out. Love doesn’t have a set pace for everyone and I never thought I’d be someone who’d say this but, I’ve loved you from the moment you gave me those judgy eyes. Even if I knew about Sangies feelings, you still would’ve been my choice. You will  _ always _ be my choice.”

“I don’t deserve your kindness.”

Eskimo kisses with giggles.

“Does he still.. you know?”

“No, we talked about it.”

Hongjoong sighs and Seonghwa forces a spoonful into his mouth.

── ⊱ ──────

Seonghwa has been working from home.

Unwilling to get dressed and face the world now that remembers what kind of person he is.

He can’t remember if he felt this way before the accident.

Had the guilt subsided once he free fell into Hongjoong peaceful?

Did he still have unresolved feelings for Mingi?

And something he thought about often; was he truly ready to marry Hongjoong?

The house smelled of tiger lilies (two candles a room) to mask the smell of bleach and grout cleaner that have dried Seonghwa’s hands.

His JooJoo hates the smell of harsh chemicals.

Seonghwa gave himself dizzy spells with how much he was inhaling.

Like today, he was inches from the guest bathroom wall when Hongjoong cleared his throat.

Seonghwa blinks away tears that sting from not blinking.

“Think you’re about to scrub the grout away.”

“I just need to clear my head.”

“Why won’t you tell me what’s troubling you?”

Seonghwa takes off his pink cleaning gloves. Hongjoong didn’t want Seonghwa’s soft hands to be lost forever. He ever bought him those lotion treatments.

“It’s not easy.”

“Most things rarely are.”

Seonghwa has been avoiding eye contact longer than just this conversation.

“Is this why Yeosang hasn’t been around? Does he know that I know about his feelings? I promise I won't make it weird.”

Sometimes we can feel words swelling in our throat.

Maybe the truth to a lie,

An insult meant to cut right down to the bone,

Or even an apology that’s long over do.

Seonghwa thinks of the swelling much like the pressure against rocks or a levy before they give way for water to fall.

“I cheated on you.”

Hongjoong blinks.

Seonghwa thinks he didn’t hear him. But he can remember clearly how Hongjoong reacts to bad news.

“With Mingi?”

Seonghwa is doing his best to not cry.

It wasn’t his turn to be upset.

“Yeah.”

“When?”

“When we first got together.”

Hongjoong looks over his face. It makes Seonghwa think he doesn’t know who he is.

“Why?”

“I guess I was just scared.”

“You  _ guess _ ?”

Seonghwa’s not used to this.

The quietness of this firecracker.

Even with Mingi, when they were at their limits, they were loud when speaking.

He needed to stop comparing the two.

“I couldn’t tell you why I did what I did. But it wouldn’t change anything if I had an excuse. So I won’t look for one that’s better than I was scared and I wanted something to familiar to ground me.”

Quiet.

Seonghwa is waiting in his seat for the explosion.

Waiting for the  _ boom _ to be so loud, he had to cover his ears.

“I feel worse now than I did when it happened. Watching you try as hard as you did and care for me after the accident has made me realise I don’t deserve you. You’ve been trying to give me the universe on a silver platter and I have whipped my ass with it.”

Hongjoong doesn’t know what to do with his hands when his mind is racing. He’s going between biting the side of his thumb and wringing his fingers.

“I don’t.. This was not what I was expecting to come home to for lunch.”

“My timing is always bad.”

“Aries things.”

Seonghwa wants to giggle but he holds it in.

Hongjoong is still looking at him as if he’s trying to figure out who he is and it’s ironic to Seonghwa.

He waited so long to look at Hongjoong and remember the role he played in his life and now, Seonghwa was the stranger in the room.

“I think you should leave.”

He knew it would hurt to hear but the calmness in Hongjoong’s voice makes it worse than he expected.

“Yeah, okay.”

“I was going to order something for us but I really don’t want to be around you.”

“I’m sorry.”

Hongjoong’s lips tremble before he cries. When he doesn’t want to, hell press them into a thin line and clench his jaw.

Seonghwa’s hands twitch with the urge to cradle him.

“The thing is, I don’t think you are sorry.”

A different kind of  _ boom _ vibrating in his chest.

“Gather some things and be gone by the time I get home.”

Seonghwa goes to say something but stops himself once Hongjoong’s takes off his ring, placing it on the counter as he turns to leave.

“And turn off all these damn candles before you go, I hate tiger lily.”

── ⊱ ──────

Seonghwa has always hated the subway station.

All the noise and hurried way that people moved about.

He wasn’t even sure he really knew where he was going. But this was a place that seemed best for that. No one would question why he hasn’t gotten off yet or knew that he was lost.

The water fell with no where to truly pool.

He got off after an hour and tried to find somewhere to eat. Not that he was hungry. He just knew he had to eat since he skipped two meals already today.

So Seonghwa dragged his suitcase pitifully along as he tried to settle for something.

Anything.

He was at a busy intersection waiting for the light to change so the little person would light up and signal him to walk. Seonghwa looked up at the traffic lights wondering if everything would be alright.

The wind whispered their uncertainties.

“Trying to use jedi mind tricks to change the light?”

Seonghwa snaps out of his thoughts to see a smiling Wooyoung swaying from toe to heel.

“Hi.”

“You travelling?”

Seonghwa looks at his suitcase. His JooJoo put stickers on it once after someone got into a heated argument about it being  _ their _ luggage. He didn’t want Seonghwa to be troubled like that again.

He doesn’t mean to get teary eyed.

“Hey? Hey, are you okay?”

Wooyoung gently hooks his arm with Seonghwa’s.

Everyone was always so gentle with him.

“My life is falling apart and I’m the reason.”

Wooyoung is quiet.

Seonghwa can’t remember him ever taking a moment to breathe in the short times they’ve encountered each other.

His silence amplifies the noises around them.

Wooyoung tugs Seonghwa across the street, thinking silently. Then he perks up, that wide smile spreading easily across his face.

“Let's grab lunch! Some comfort food might be better than actual words right now.”

  
  


Wooyoung’s place is a shoe box compared to Seonghwa’s (old?) place.

But it’s cozy and everything just  _ screamed _ Wooyoung.

“Sorry I just prefer to eat at home and you look like you could use the quiet.”

Seonghwa is still standing in the genkan, watching as he plates their food.

“You can come in, swear I clean often.”

Seonghwa can smell the scented wall plug in and counts the spoonfuls of rice Wooyoung puts on his plate.

Even number.

He kicks off his shoes and takes gentle steps inside the apartment. There isn’t much to see from outside the window but that’s okay because the sun isn’t shining directly into his place which means, it didn’t get too hot.

This wasn’t important or relevant.

But it was keeping his mind busy.

Which meant he wasn’t close to crying.

Anyways.

Seonghwa sits criss cross applesauce on the floor. Wooyoung hands him his plate, a soft smile on his face. Letting him know that he was ready to listen whenever Seonghwa was ready to talk.

But he didn’t want confirmation that he was the worst person he knew.

“Can you talk? Like usual?”

“You in the proper headspace today?”

Seonghwa carefully pulls his chopsticks apart.

“I’m not sure where my head is. But, I know I need to distract myself for a while.”

Wooyoung's smile turns into a pitiful one and Seonghwa hates it.

But he supposes that his would be the same if the tables were turned.

Nonetheless, Wooyoung talks about a drama he’s watching where the plot involves a boy who can see the past of the people he touches.

Seonghwa likes the way Wooyoung retells the recent episode.

It's like he’s watching it.

He likes how animated he is and how he takes time to talk about the details of certain things.

He listens closely but Seonghwa’s mind still floats to his JooJoo and how animated he looks when talking about something and he’s extra excited.

Tears well and he decides to arrange his food.

He doesn’t notice it goes silent while he’s doing this.

“I would’ve done that if I’d known.”

Seonghwa blinks and shrugs at the food.

“It calms me.”

“Most would disagree.”

Wooyoung bumps their knees,

“Everything okay with you and your mans?”

Wooyoung has a few more freckles that Seonghwa can see up close.

Him fixating on anything but the obvious friction in his life is very on brand.

“Would you be nice to me if you knew I was a cheater and a liar?”

Wooyoung pouts as he thinks and Seognhwa wonders if he’s ever been in his shoes, or Hongjoong’s.

Maybe Mingi’s.

“I don’t know you well enough to judge you on your mistakes. They don't affect me in any way. If we were close, I’d still offer you my time and comfort had you come looking for it.”

Seonghwa smiles for the first time in weeks and it wasn’t forced or out of habit.

Not a reaction he knew the other was looking for.

Relief, maybe.

“Everyone’s so kind to me and I really don't deserve it. I suppose that’s why it was so easy for me to do what I did. I don’t appreciate anything until it’s gone or crumbling.”

“I’m sure that’s not true.”

Seonghwa goes back to just listening, sick of his own voice.

Carefully picking up food to put into his mouth.

“Cheating isn’t okay, but that’s no one's business. I hope your friends aren’t judging you when it’s clearly eating you up.”

“No, my only friend helped me cover it up, actually.”

Wooyoung’s eyes go wide and he pauses mid chew.

“W-what?”

Seonghwa softly laughs. He shouldn’t but Wooyoung is making him feel lighter.

“It doesn't count since he also hates me for it. But that’s a story for another day.”

Wooyoung pushes his food around his plate and Seognhwa is screaming internally.

“Do you have anywhere to go, Seonghwa?”

Oh yeah.

“I’ll figure it out.”

“Just stay here.”

They hold a stare.

“I’ve watched enough true crime to know you’re not planning to kill me. If anything, I can kill you first.”

“Sold way to convince me.”

Wooyoung’s laugh is funny, the kind that makes you laugh as well.

“Seriously, the couch is all yours as long as you need it. I don’t wanna find you wandering the subway again.”

Seonghwa searches his facial features for a double meaning.

Ironic.

“Thank you.”

Wooyoung smiles warmly at him and Seonghwa hopes to always receive this kinda smile from him as their friendship blooms.

He likes the thought of Wooyoung being a friend.

“You mind if I tell JooJoo where I am? When he finds out I’m not where he assumes I am, he’ll worry and his pride won’t allow him to text me.”

“Sure. I have a katakana behind the couch if he gets crazy.”

“I’m-”

**Star:**

Here’s my location. I’m not asking for you to get me but I’m letting you know I’m okay. Not that you care too much right now.

**Read 4:19pm**

I’m sorry, JooJoo

**Read 4:59pm**

I can’t remember the last time I missed you this much.

**Read 5:02pm**

I hope you’ve eaten and take some melatonin to sleep.

**Read 7:30pm**

── ⊱ ──────

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pls leave kudos !! long comments yelling at me !!  
> twt: goteez_ (20+)


	3. The Pooling of Water

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The final action of a waterfall, pooling water.
> 
> or
> 
> Seonghwa figures out where to settle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there is no reason for how late this chapter is. but i hope it was worth the wait.

And so this is how their days played out.

Seonghwa sends text messages that get opened but remain unanswered from Hongjoong.

Yeosang was dry with him.

Mingi disappeared just as quickly as he reappeared.

On the days Seonghwa did show up at work, Hongjoong wasn’t there.

He kept sharing his location with Hongjoong and maybe that’s why.

Seonghwa couldn’t find it in him to turn it off. Like it would be another betrayal to Hongjoong, even if he didn’t care to know his whereabouts the way Seonghwa was assuming he did.

Wooyoung’s couch isn’t wide enough for him to sleep comfortably on, which meant he stayed up most of the night staring at the ceiling.

Thinking.

Regretting, mostly.

Wishing there was a way he could unhurt everyone by just being a decent human being.

Maybe falling off the face of the earth.

No matter how many times he told himself that he was caught between two very hard choices, his decisions weren’t the correct answer.

The questions should’ve never been asked.

This outcome was inevitable.

It was strange to Seonghwa how two am didn’t pull tears from him.

But instead, he found himself blinking them away in the early mornings when he only prepared one cup of coffee instead of two.

Or when he sat on the window ledge looking down on the people walking by who weren’t the neighbours he’d grown to know.

He didn’t sob over things like he had when this all first happened.

He found that to be an unnecessary waste of energy.

He didn’t think he deserved to, but Seonghwa was trying to preserve every bit of what was left of him. Even if that meant turning on zombie mode.

── ⊱ ──────

Wooyoung needed groceries and Seonghwa thought he’d help out since he’d been staying there for a little over two months now.

Seonghwa did little things around the apartment to help out.

Cleaning when Wooyoung wasn’t there to force him to sit down after an hour.

He’d been cooking, but not eating much.

All these feelings threatening to force up anything he tried to keep down past a few bites.

Seonghwa noticed his cheeks starting to thin and he hates that those are always the first to go.

Anyways.

He’s out grocery shopping, scanning through isles and trying to remember what Wooyoung mentioned he liked to eat that they were low on at the apartment.

He should’ve made a list.

But if Wooyoung came home while he was planning this or if Seonghwa asked him over text, he wouldn’t have allowed him to buy a thing. Insisting that Seonghwa was a guest and he didn’t  _ have _ to do anything but figure out how he was either going to fix things or start over.

“Seonghwa?”

The voice sounds familiar but Seonghwa is too focused on reading each jar of organic peanut butter, remembering it's one with a green label that Wooyoung likes it for the texture.

Again, fixating on things to avoid his feelings.

_ Tap _ .

Seonghwa looks to his side and see’s San looking curiously at him, head tilted.

“You seemed out of it. Sorry if I scared you.”

“No I’m fine.”

“Didn’t know that peanut butter was so interesting.”

San says with an awkward giggle.

“It’s all in the texture.”

He looked tired to Seonghwa, hiding dark circles behind concealer and hair a little messy compared to the other times they’ve met.

San sways from heel to toe, gripping his shopping basket.

“How are you?”

It sounds awkward coming out to Seonghwa.

“Been better. Been hell of a lot worse but..”

San hums at the answer.

He’s got something on his mind and Seonghwa is begging the universe for him not to ask.

“Mingi mentioned you two got in a fight. I’ve known him for what feels like a long time and I’ve never seen him bicker with someone if it wasn’t playful.”

Seonghwa wants him to get to the point.

But he waits. Holding back an annoyed sigh.

“I’ve also never seen him walk around like he’s a rain cloud before. Even when he’s stressed or exhausted, he’s always a walking ray of sunshine.”

Seonghwa tosses a jar into his cart and looks at San.

“You both look like it’s eating you alive.”

“He didn’t tell you what we argued over?”

San shakes his head no,

“I didn’t feel like it was my place to ask either.”

And Seonghwa gets it.

What it is about San that Mingi is attracted to.

“He’s not ready to talk and I don’t ever want to be pushy. I’m already terribly clingy and-”

San takes a deep breath and fake smiles.

If Seonghwa hadn’t seen a genuine one, he wouldn’t be able to tell the difference.

“How do I comfort him better than what I’m doing? I’ve got the anime’s he likes most on, I wrap him in blankets, there’s junk food that I know won't break his skin out and I share my stuffies with him.”

Seonghwa softly chuckles to himself.

“You’re doing fine.”

“Am I?”

“He’ll be okay. Just don’t let him sulk for too long. Make him go with you on errand runs and make him do his skin care routine.”

“How bad was it?”

San ask’s while chewing the inside of his cheek.

Seonghwa doesn’t want to give San the truth.

He hopes Mingi never will either.

“We’re just better off not being friends anymore. We grew apart and it was selfish of me to try to fit Mingi into my life now.”

They don’t say anything for a moment, but time has a way of bending for Seonghwa both in good and bad ways.

San smirks, tilting his head and nodding.

“If we bump into each other again, I hope you’ll always share your kindness with me.”

“Mm.”

Irony.

── ⊱ ──────

**Star**

When are we going to talk?

**Read 3:45pm**

**Star:**

It’s selfish of me to miss you this much.

**Read 7:21pm**

**Star:**

I wish you’d at least tell me you hate me. The silent treatment is worse.

**JooJoo:**

That’s what I’m going for.

Seonghwa shoots up on the couch and stares at his phone.

He suddenly doesn’t know how to hold it properly.

**Star:**

Your success rate is high, as usual.

**JooJoo:**

Can you come by tomorrow? Around 1:30/2pm?

**Star:**

Sure thing.

**JooJoo:**

Talk to you then.

There’s something about not responding that doesn't sit well with Seonghwa.

Maybe it’s because he’s been left on read so often these last couple of months.

Being left in this weird limbo of silence was exhausting.

But he knew JooJoo didn’t care for his presence right now, even through a screen.

So he awkwardly holds the phone in his hand. Knowing he couldn’t send an aimless text in hopes for small talk.

It’s the time of night where things start to quiet down. Seonghwa can count the cars passing by or watch people take their dogs on evening walks.

He places his phone face down, pulling his knees to his chest.

He’s never been fond of the quiet and stillness a room can hold, not when he was on his own.

The dreadful duo left the door open for intrusive thoughts to walk in and make themselves too comfortable.

Like now, those painful and troublesome thoughts are buzzing at a speed quick enough for his brain to feel like white static.

And the tears have flowed their way up to his eyes, falling recklessly down his cheek, and pooling into stains on his sleeves.

He wonders how he can still have so many to cry.

── ⊱ ──────

Seonghwa takes the train back to his (old?) side of town.

Leaving felt like a lifetime but returning?

He found himself getting off at his stop so soon. It was almost like the ride was a blink.

Taking slow strides as he dreads going home and facing Hongjoong.

Seonghwa is a realist.

He has never spent his time daydreaming of all the things that  _ could  _ be.

He believed dreams were achieved by hard work and dedication.

Things either were or they weren’t.

Seonghwa didn’t believe in hoping for a different outcome.

Simply because there was hardly room for such divine intervention.

Some had the luck of Jupiter on their side.

But he wasn’t one of those people.

So each step toward the house was a reminder that the end was near and there wasn’t a single thing he could do besides  _ hope  _ he was wrong, of course.

But he’s hardly ever wrong.

He could feel every vibration in from his steps up his leg, to his knees.

Knees that shake with fear.

Seonghwa reaches a trembling hand out to knock gently on the door, knowing JooJoo has never been a fan of sudden banging.

Ironic for a firecracker.

The door opens and Hongjoong smiles out of reflex. Seonghwa can tell by the way it fades too quickly. How he blinks quickly and rubs his chin,

“Come in.”

He notices Hongjoong’s shoes kicked messily by the door instead of on the rack, and his jacket draped over a chair instead of hanging in the closet.

He ignores it and walks into the kitchen where there’s two cups of hot tea steeping.

“Thank you for finally talking to me.”

“It’s not by choice.”

Seonghwa doesn’t like how formal everything feels.

He sits and swirls his tea bag around, avoiding eye contact. Knowing he’ll crumble and it’s not the time or place for him to do so.

Seonghwa notices the takeout boxes waiting to be broken down for the trash just sitting on the floor. He wants to point out that they get ants easily but Hongjoong clears his throat.

“So, I applied for some apartments that you’d like. I checked out the area you’ve been staying in and.. I know it's not exactly your taste.”

Seonghwas looks up at him and he can feel his throat swelling.

“Three to be exact. I know you have a thing about odd numbers, but I know three is also a comfortable middle ground for you.”

“This your way of telling me you’re kicking me out?”

Hongjoong is standing  _ very _ still.

Looking over Seonghwa’s face, subtly taking in a deep breath. He can tell from the way Hongjoong slightly lifts his chin.

Hongjoong was trying his best to not cry. Seonghwa watches his nostrils flare.

“This is my way of saying, it’s over.”

The tears don’t whell up and threaten to fall, they just do.

Hot, heavy, and fast.

Like a waterfall.

This is why Seonghwa doesn’t hope for anything that was out of reach.

Like forgiveness he didn’t deserve.

Like for a love he didn’t cherish properly.

A chance to make things right.

For Hongjoong.

“God that hurt saying.”

Hongjoong clears his throat again, trying to keep his emotions at bay.

Seonghwa can’t find anything to distract himself.

Something to ground himself.

Nothing to hold the fragile pieces from further breaking.

“I just don’t think it’s fair for me to leave, you know? Considering all things.”

“No, it’s understandable.”

Silence is beginning to rot Seonghwa down to his bones.

Hongjoong taps the counter,

“Neither of us have been good with words but for fucks sake, you can at least  _ try _ to apologise.”

Seonghwa’s mind is racing with all the things he’s been dying to shout but nothing comes out of his mouth.

He can’t figure out why his jaw is clenched shut, holding himself back.

As usual.

Hongjoong flicks his eyebrows.

“I always saw how you hesitated with me, you know. Even after we officially got together. I think.. I think I convinced myself that your past would never be brighter than what our future could be, what it was turning out to be. Always compared my actions and affections to how Mingi treated you, making sure I was never anything like him. I pushed myself to my limits trying to show you that you didn't have to be scared to fall with me, for me. And even after the accident when all you did was look for  _ him, _ I sat there hoping you’d call out for me.”

Seonghwa grabs a fist full of the bottom of his shirt.

“You know I’m good at hiding my feelings when it comes to the well being of others. But it fucking sucked that you never once asked me how I was dealing with losing you for the time that I did. It  _ sucks _ how we can know what a sigh means, but you never once noticed just how bad I was hurting. You just jumped back into things as if there wasn’t a shift in our relationship. You never apologised for making me your second option, regardless of whether you meant to or not.”

“JooJoo-”

“Don’t..”

Hongjoong holds a hand up and closes his eyes.

It takes him a moment to gather himself, clearly refusing to cry in front of Seonghwa.

“Just don’t call me JooJoo or baby or anything. I know that you’ve probably held on to a firefly of hope but, I really don’t think you deserve to call me all those soft things anymore.”

Seonghwa thinks about all the little pieces of ash he’s collected over time.

Each firecracker Hongjoong proved to be leaving behind memories that flicker with every ounce of love he held for Joo- Hongjoong.

A place he tucked perfectly away from every negative thought that could blow out the bits of ember. Every scrap he’s carefully saved now turning to dust.

All at once, he’s a stranger both in his old home and mind again.

“I don’t.. Have an apology that’s perfectly practiced. I can't be articulate when I’m the cause of my world crumbling to nothing. I’ve spent so much time, then and now, hating every part of myself for doing what I did to you.”

He wipes his eyes quickly,

“I’ve hurt so many people over my own selfishness. but Joo- I’m sorry, Hongjoong.. I wish I never hurt you. If I could go back in time-”

“Why? Because you didn’t get the best of both worlds?”

Hongjoong scoffs, rolling his eyes.

“No! Because I realise I’d rather have you, only you. I’d rather you break my heart a thousand times than to ever see you hurt. You deserve endless happiness.”

“I.. It’s just hard to believe you.”

“And I know you probably never will. But I could lose everything else right now but you. This house, my job, my only friend. But I’m rotting to my core without you.”

Hongjoong stares, tapping the counter.

“Good.”

The ground beneath the pooling water of a newly formed waterfall has no say so in the distribution, the flooding. Everything that lives there either thrives or drowns without a second thought.

Seonghwa was drowning.

Gasping for air and Hongjoong just stood there.

Waiting but unwilling to comfort him through his emotions.

“The first showing of the apartments I picked out is in two days around one pm, so make it down. I’ll pick you up if you need me to. I know you get intimidated easily so I’ll do the walk throughs with you but that’s all.”

“Hongjoong, please-”

Seonghwa wasn’t even sure what he was begging for at this point.

“No, I’m sorry but I’m also not sorry even in the  _ slightest _ . You refused to choose me twice even if it wasn’t completely your fault. I.. I really can’t allow myself to dwell in the constant anxiety of wondering when it’ll happen again.”

“I will spend forever convincing you-”

“No, Seonghwa. I shouldn’t have to be convinced every single day that your love is genuine or that you're being fuckng honest.”

Firecrackers are so strong, when you think about it.

They’re tiny little rockets in a way.

Once lit, they have no choice but to fly.

Hongjoong was soaring away.

Or maybe,

He’d always been this out of reach.

“I’m going to step out for a moment, I think we both need to gather ourselves. Check to see what else you’ve left and use that ugly brown luggage Yeosang got us as a gift to take your things back to, wherever it is you’re staying.”

He turns on his heels, fussing with his keys as he walked out the door.

Seonghwa didn’t like that everyone was walking out on him.

In every sense.

The kitchen seems so hollow as he sits there for what felt like hours.

Looking around at one of his favourite places in the house; thinking about how it’s been a safe for some of his favourite memories but now it’s flooded with heartbreak.

The reminder of how nothing lasts will linger longer than either of them want.

Hongjoong will probably spend even less time in here now.

Seonghwa wonders what the wall would say in this moment.

But he forces himself to get up and look around for his things.

The brown luggage already on the end of the bed, open for him.

This hurt worse than the first time.

Seonghwa realised there was no coming back after he gathered his things for a final time.

Seonghwa left nothing behind.

Not even a lonely sock for Hongjoong to find and think about him later on.

Packed up his shampoo so Hongjoong wasn’t tempted to use it when he missed Seonghwa.

Out of habit, he dusted along things and broke down the boxes. Spraying ant repellent along the back door, little crack to let the chemical smell out.

Seonghwa could feel his stomach turning as he walked to the door.

There was nothing that could force it's way up besides stomach acid.

His knees and hands shook just the same as when he arrived.

He didn’t look back.

A part of him knew he’d linger if he did.

He takes his copy of the house key off from his keychain and places it in the bowl by the door for the last time.

Locks the bottom lock before closing it behind him.

── ⊱ ──────

Seonghwa was laying on his back, staring at the ceiling.

“You said you had to leave by 12:20 right? Just so you can be ten minutes early?”

“Yeah.”

Wooyoung flops on him, pulling an loud _ OOF _ out of Seonghwa.

“Rude!”

“You  _ threw _ yourself on me! You are the rude one.”

Wooyoung pushes his glasses back up the bridge of his nose.

“You sure you don’t want me to go with you?”

“You need to work.”

“My boss is flexible.”

He says with a wink.

“Promise to call you if I feel like I can’t handle it?”

“It’s just JooJoo.”

Wooyoung holds out his pinky regardless.

Seonghwa links their fingers.

  
  
  


Hongjoong is waiting outside the tall building when they pull up.

Seonghwa likes how there's a lot of trees and vines on the walls.

He gives an awkward wave to Hongjoong as he walks up.

“Ten minutes early on the dot.”

“I don't think I’ll ever stop being this way.”

Seonghwa says with a nervous laugh.

“There’s nothing wrong with these habits. Just make sure you don’t let them consume you.”

They step away from each other, cleaning their throats.

Seonghwa blinks away tears.

  
  


The apartment manager talks about the indoor pool and the rooftop garden in the elevator. She goes on about the updated appliances as they walk down the hall.

Seonghwa forces himself to ask about rent and how they break down the utilities.

Hongjoong looks surprised when he asks about a pet fee.

If Seonghwa was honest with himself, this was too snobby of a place for him.

He and Hongjoong share a look that silently communicates this wasn’t the one for him.

Soft smiles.

He’s gonna miss that.

  
  


The next one was closer to work and had a better view.

No indoor pool or rooftop garden.

But they did have a gym and the pet fee was lower.

The wood flooring was fake but the kitchen had nice backsplash and a bar to eat at. He didn’t need to buy a table now.

“I’ll give you two a moment to talk it over.”

The apartment manager excused himself. Leaving these two to stand awkwardly on opposite sides of the living room.

Seonghwa busied his mind with images of himself living here.

Where’d he put everything, who’d he’d have over for wine night, him walking his dog or a cat curled up in the sun.

“This is weird, huh?”

Seonghwa looks over at Hongjoong, who's leaning on the bar. Staring at his feet as he speaks,

“It feels like before, right? When we were looking for a place of our own. We moved in together so fast.”

Hongjoong’s giggle isn’t full of sparklers.

He seems dull when thinking about those memories.

Seonghwa turns back around, rubbing his eyes.

“Normal people don't help their ex look for an apartment.”

“Hongjoong-”

Seonghwa covered his mouth, embarrassed as sob escaped him.

“I am so sorry.”

Seonghwa turns to him, whipping his face.

Hongjoong is holding it together so perfectly it’s scaring Seonghwa to the core of his soul.

“You’re so fucking kind. I don't deserve one bit of your soul or forgiveness. But I am  _ so sorry _ for hurting you.”

“Seonghwa..”

They stare at each other for a few moments.

Seonghwa turns and gathers himself again.

“I.. You were supposed to be my happy ending and you have hurt me worse than anyone ever has. You think it’s easy, standing here like I’m not phased? You think it’s been easy walking into an empty house? Like I'm not dying to fold into you and pretend none of this ever happened? There’s so much of me that you’ve touched that no one  _ ever _ has and now, I’ve got to pretend you don't hold the most important pieces of me. I have to pretend this isn’t going to hold me back from being with someone who will love me the way I deserve. I should be guilting you! And screaming and I should have broken everything in the house that was ours. But I just.. can’t. I can’t find the hatred I’m supposed to be feeling right now because there’s so much of me that is hoping I’ll wake up and we’ll have some petty argument about dream you being awful to me and I’ll let you hold me the way you do when I’m upset.”

Seonghwa looks over when he hears a sniffle. But Hongjoong wiped away any wetness from his face before he could see it.

“I am so in love with you that I can’t hate you, Seonghwa.”

It’s quiet.

There’s tension neither of them are willing to break in the fear of what will happen after.

“I know you won’t ever believe me again, but I love you so much Hongjoong.”

For a second, his face softens. He can tell Hongjoong believed him.

“I don’t think I’ll ever have it in me to act bitterly towards you. I think there will always be a part of me lingering in what if’s when it comes to you.”

Seonghwa can feel his heart sinking further and further.

“I can’t have you in my life. You have to understand that.”

“I do..”

There’s a knock at the door.

“What are we thinking?”

Hongjoong looks at Seonghwa.

It did feel like before.

They shared the same questioning look that silently answered itself.

“When can I move in?”

  
  


Hongjoong waited on the steps outside the building while Seonghwa filled out some paperwork.

Seonghwa felt drowning butterflies stirring in him when he saw him standing there, skin glistening under the sun.

“All set?”

“Think so.”

More silent communication he was sure he’d never find with anyone else.

“Is there a proper way to say goodbye for good?”

Hongjoong asked as he rubbed the back of his neck.

“Thank you for our time together. You really showed me a lot about myself and how good life can be. I will never forget what we shared.”

Seonghwa watched tears pool in his eyes for the first time.

“It would’ve been fun, if you would’ve been the one.”

“Yeah, it would’ve been sweet, if it could’ve been me.”

“You have left big shoes to fill.”

“I’d say you have as well but, you’re a tiny being.”

Hongjoong laughs, wiping away tears.

“Goodbye, Seonghwa.”

“Bye, Hongjoong.”

── ⊱ ──────

Seonghwa is sitting on the window ledge, cat curled up in his lap as he reads Pachinko for the second time.

He can hear Wooyoung talking on the phone all the way from the elevator.

Seonghwa has grown to love Wooyoung’s loudness.

“Hey!”

Seonghwa smiles as Wooyoung flops on the couch, the same one from their old apartment.

“You seem giddy.”

“Remember that cute tall guy from a couple of weeks ago?”

“I think so?”

“Well, I ran into him a few days ago when I was getting coffee for us. He remembered me and we exchanged phone numbers AND!”

Wooyoung sits up, wide smile stretched across his face.

“I have a date tomorrow!”

“Exciting!”

Wooyoung sighs happily,

“Wanna come? I’ll ask if he’s got any cute friends.”

Seonghwa rolls his eyes.

“I’m not interested in dating. Or third wheeling for that matter.”

“I’m just worried you’ve been spending too much time alone.”

Seonghwa gently moves the cat from his lap and faces Wooyoung.

“I’m healing still.”

“It’s been almost a year and I haven’t even heard you talk to that Yeosang guy more than twice.”

Seonghwa hums at the observation.

Wooyoung had moved in with him once his old lease was up. He admitted to not being able to handle the loneliness.

“He’s off having adventures of his own and doing cool shit. Been saying yes to more things instead of no. I’m really proud of him for growing that way.”

“Still with that yucky girl?”

Seonghwa laughs and shrugs.

“He keeps me on a needs to know basis.”

“What about, you know who.”

“I thought I saw him at the bus stop. I didn’t though.”

Hongjoong switch companies shortly after their last meeting. They haven’t seen each other since.

Seonghwa found out he was blocked by Hongjoong on any site he searched for him.

Wooyoung pets their cat.

“You’d tell me if you weren’t actually okay, right?”

Seonghwa gets up and sits next to him,

“Of course.”

Seonghwa found that silent communication with Wooyoung he thought was only possible with Hongjoong.

There’s worry in his eyes but Seonghwa’s smile carries a lot of comfort these days.

  
  


So Seonghwa sat on the edge of Wooyoung’s bed and listened to him chatter on about this Yunho guy.

He didn’t feel bitter or lonely.

Finally the water flowed peacefully.

Falling with grace.

Pooling with ease.

── ⊱ ──────

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this story was started when i felt so unwanted and unlovable. i got into a healthy relationship and my attitude for the story as a whole changed. thank you sticking with me for an obscene amount of time. thank you the comments and encouraging words when i did not want to finish.
> 
> be honest,  
> be faithful.

**Author's Note:**

> pls leave kudos and comments !!  
> twt; goteez_ !!  
> think im going to give myself two weeks between updating bc its only three ch's and i work night shifts.


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